Random mussing

Training for a marathon

2012-02-15T12:19:00.002-05:00

I know there hasn't been a lot of kinky updates lately. Mostly, that's been a slow section of my life. The spanking front has been sort of slow. However, BBW is coming up and I do intend on attending that particular event barring any barriers my life tries to throw into that intention.

I did want to talk about an endeavor I have undertaken and have been working on for the last two months.

A few years ago I bought a Concept 2 rowing machine. I love this thing and have been rowing off and on ever since I bought it.

This year I decided to challenge myself and train to row a marathon in May. The Concept 2 website has a marathon challenge the first two weeks of May. So, the 2nd week of May I will attempt to row 42,195 meters all at one time.

I am excited about this personal challenge and have learned a lot about myself by undertaking this adventure.

I'll let you know how it goes!

New Career

2012-02-14T23:02:00.002-05:00

The other day, four of the six clients with whom I work planned and executed an AWOL on my watch. I knew that they were up to something and attempted to thwart their plans. However, despite my best efforts, three of the four still managed to barricade themselves in the office and climb out the office window.

I was running the shift understaffed and with high intensity behavior clients. My opinion, had I had the proper resources, this wouldn't have gone down the way it did. Now, I didn't get into trouble, in fact, my boss's boss's boss complimented me on my attempt to manage the situation. Yet, those of you who know me best know that I am my own worst enemy at times and since the incident I have struggled with questioning and scrutinizing my choice of action.

This is a terribly stressful job and I have recognized that I am heading for burn out. I put so much of myself into everything that I do and I feel that I'm just struggling to drag myself to work day after day any more. So, I've decided to make a career change this year.

I'm not exactly sure what that career change will be just yet. Perhaps I'll get back into retail and work on my managerial skills and on my way up some corporate ladder.

The new year

2012-01-31T13:16:00.002-05:00

It's been so long since I have been able to sit down and update. A good number of changes have been going on. In addition, I still lack internet access at home. That means I'm still relegated to having to go to B&N or some where else for internet access.

I'll work on getting a substantial update going. Especially since it looks like I have some new followers. Don't want to let my readers down.

I took some time off work so I'll try and get a good update done by the end of the week.

Punishment spankings

2011-10-20T12:35:00.001-04:00

This is something that has come up a couple of times over the past couple of months. The topic is: Can spanking be punishment for someone who enjoys spanking to begin with?

My response to this question is, yes.

A couple of months ago I put an ad on CollarMe looking for a play partner who was into spanking and TIH/HOH/DD dynamics. First that ad only lasted about a week for a couple of different reasons that I won’t go into at this point in time. CollarMe definitely is not the site for me though as it’s much too broad in addition to this general attitude that being submissive means this very narrow definition of my being a brainless doormat with no opinion or personality of my own. If one more person told me I wasn’t a “serious sub” and was only looking to fulfill my kink I probably would have punched someone in the cajones.

Anyway, back on topic…I’ll go off on the “You’re not a submissive because…” rant at another time.

So, spanking as a punishment for someone who likes to be spanked…

For me it’s about where my head is and what my feelings are during the interaction with the person spanking me. It’s about power and the exchange of that power. It’s about who’s controlling the interaction and my feeling submissive and contrite for what I am being punished for and owning up to my mistakes.

Can I take accountability on my own for my negative choices or mistakes? Absolutely!! It’s not about me not being able to admit that I’ve done something wrong. It’s about being able to let go and forgive myself for having done something wrong.

Left to my own devices, I will beat myself up for days over a mistake I have made or for a negative behavior. I feel guilty and have in the past done things like denied myself food or interaction with others. These are not healthy ways of dealing with my guilt. Through the course of my exploration into the world of spanking, I have found that I can assuage myself of these feelings of guilt in a much healthier and effect way by handing that over to someone else. For whatever reason, it’s extremely difficult for me to let go of my guilt without some sort of physical manifestation of that guilt. An atonement so to speak.

When I am being punished, I am focusing on my negative behavior, on the feelings of guilt, and the thought of having disappointed those around me. So, when I submit to being spanked for whatever it is I have done wrong, I DO NOT ENJOY IT! No, it’s not the same as a child being punished for doing something wrong. That’s because I’m an adult making a conscious choice to engage in this activity. That doesn’t make it any less effective.

Why does it work when I enjoy spanking in a non-punishment atmosphere? Because I know and acknowledge that I have done something wrong and want to change. That’s the key. I see a lot of people saying that they see an increase in negative behaviors from bottoms who want punishment spankings. I think in those cases it’s more about attention than true punishment. Punishment decreases the likelihood that a behavior will occur again. If one is “punished” for something but consciously engage in that same behavior, then that “punishment” has now become reinforcement.

I have been punished for not sharing my feelings, after the punishment I actively worked to increase the frequency in which I shared my true feelings with my partner. I have been punished for texting while driving and have drastically decreased that behavior.

The logical question would be is it the spanking or the desire of the bottom to change her behaviors? In truth, it’s more the later with the former being a physical representation of that desire to change and the commitment to not engaging in the negative behavior again. Being spanked by another individual forms a concrete accountability to make the desired changes. Sort of like signing on the dotted line of a contract. So, realistically, the spanking will only work for one who is willing to make the changes that are being addressed. If it’s simply a desire to be spanked hard with a dynamic of power exchange and the only way to get that type of spanking is by acting out, then it’s logical that one will see and INCREASE rather than a DECREASE in the targeted behavior.

Punishment spankings are something I agree to or ask for because I’m trying to change something or to release those feelings of guilt that come with having made a mistake or done something wrong or having disappointed someone in a serious manner. I use these types of spanking as a way to externalize the internal turmoil that goes on inside my head that I can’t seem to excise in any other way. They differ from the stress relief spankings I actively seek in that they address a specific issue and have an air of disappointment and accountability to them. Whereas stress relief spankings are serious but focus more on emptying out the reservoir of emotions that I bury in my day to day interactions with clients, coworkers, and people in general.

10.20.11

2011-10-20T11:09:00.001-04:00

For some reason, I thought I had updated only a month or so ago. I pulled up my blog and saw that it’s been since July that I have last updated. It has been a busy couple of months. I finally found a new home and got settled. However, I’m still without internet access at home. Something I hope to fix within the next month or so. I do have some blog posts in mind that I just need to get down in writing. It’ll give me a reason to stop at the local B&N to use their internet access.

I recently returned from the 2011 SSC where I spent 3 a few days with wonderful friends who almost more like family. I was going to put together a blog post about that but decided to wait until I got pictures to be able to post. Plus, I found myself writing out a detailed minute by minute account and decided I needed to stop and thinking through the important details I want to write about rather than boring you all with super boring details. I’ll just say it was amazing and fun and I’m definitely looking forward to next year’s SSC already.

For today I want to talk about work a little bit. I just need to write out an interaction I had with one of the clients that affected me greatly. I have always said that these kids teach me as much as I hope I am teaching them. In the past two years I have learned more about being assertive, sharing my feelings, and just being able to let go than from any other interaction with anyone in my life. I definitely still have to work on all those things but they have definitely gotten better. I am even more comfortable with saying “You’ve made me mad and I need some space,” rather than just blankly staring at someone because I don’t want them to know my true feelings. However, I do still catch myself doing it and have to remind myself to use my words.

A few weeks back one of the girls asked me if she could show me something. I was more than happy to see whatever it was she wanted me to see. Recently she’d been drawing some of her past trauma and showing it to staff and we’ve been doing the best we can to be supportive and to help her deal with this emotional torrent that is barging her day after day. This one particular day though, her drawing changed drastically. The drawing depicted myself and another staff rescuing her from her abuser. I was completely and utterly floored. I had to fight harder than I’ve probably ever fought before to maintain my calm composure in front of this girl.

I was able to reign in my reaction and to comment on how I saw trust in her drawing and praised her for not pushing people away any more. The thing that got to me most WAS the level of trust depicted in the picture. To have a child tell me through drawing that she TRUSTS that had this other staff and I been there we would have kept her from being hurt.

This interaction made me look at my own trust issues. My fear of being hurt by everyone I meet and, in my own way, pushing people away. It’s my way of being controlling and manipulative in a way and it tires people out and drives them off. This mainly pertains to my romantic relationships. So, between that and picking men who see me as second to their own needs and desires, I struggle most with my romantic relationships.

Music of the "night"

2011-07-23T11:17:00.000-04:00

Music of the Night
Night time sharpen, heightens each sensation,
Darkness wakes and stirs imagination,
Silently the sense, abandon their defenses.
Helpless o resist, the notes I write,
For I compose the music of the night.

Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendor,
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender
Hearing is believing, music is deceiving
Hard as lightning, soft as candle light
Dare you trust the music of the night?

Close your eyes
For your eyes will only tell the truth
And the truth isn’t what you see
In the darkness it is easy to pretend
That the truth is what it ought to be

Softly
Deftly
Music shall caress you
Hear it
Feel it
Secretly possess you
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight
The darkness of the music of the night

Close your eyes start a journey to a strange new world
Leave all thoughts behind of the world you knew before
Close your eyes and let music set you free

Only then can you belong to me

Floating, falling
Sweet intoxication
Touch me, Trust me
Savor each sensation
Let the dream begin
Let your darker side give in
To the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night

You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night

I developed an obsession with Phantom of the Opera somewhere in my teens. I’ve always read D/s undertones into the relationship between the phantom and Christine. I always joke that Christine made the wrong choice. Ok, the phantom’s psychotic and homicidal but everyone has their flaws, right? I’m kidding…kind of.

I do love the moment when Christine is in his lair at the end of the play and realizes that he is damaged because of how cruelly he was treated during childhood. “Beautiful angel of darkness, what kind of life have you know? God give me courage to show you, you are not alone.” She offers herself to help him learn what it means to be loved. Of course, his love for her makes him realize that Raoul would be best for her and so the phantom pushes Christine away.

Yet, The Music of the Night is the song that makes me think of domination and submission the most. It’s a dominant singing to a submissive. Music is a metaphor for the play between dominance and submission.

“Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation. Darkness wakes and stirs imagination.” Night time and darkness are dominance here. It makes things more alive and more real and submission makes one more sensitive to the world around one when that control is handed over to another.

“Silently the senses abandon their defenses. Helpless to resist the notes I write. For I compose the music of the night.” Submission is freeing and I am drawn to being submissive. When I am being dominated, I feel the power and I can’t say no. It’s as though I am a finely tuned violin and the other a master bowman who know how to draw the sweetest music from my strings.

“Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendor. Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender. Hearing is believing, music is deceiving. Hard as lightning, soft as candle light. Dare you trust the music of the night?” Here is the beginning of a D/s relationship. At first it needs to be gentle but firm until both are accustomed to each other. Then it seems unreal as it grows and takes on various forms. There are many different types of dominance that are wanted and needed. Often by the same person at different times. Yet, there is this surreal aspect to it as though you were wrapped in a warm blanket and floating in a dream.

“Close your eyes. For your eyes will only tell you the truth. And the truth isn’t what you see. In the darkness it is easy to pretend that the truth is what it ought to be.” The truth is not out there in the world outside yourself. The truth is within the dark places within myself that I hide from many in my world. The truth isn’t what everyone else expects from me. It’s what I see when I close my eyes and block out the demands of everyone else except the dark closet in the deepest part of my soul. The part that lets me know that being submissive and serving others is ok and nothing to be ashamed of.

“Softly, deftly, musical shall caress you. Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you. Open up your mind let your fantasies unwind. In this darkness which you know you cannot fight. The darkness of the music of the night.” You can’t hide from the truth of who you truly are. As the dominance surrounds you, you realize that you have found where you belong. You have found your true home.

“Only then can you belong to me.” I think that line speaks for itself.
“Floating, falling, sweet intoxication. Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation. Let the dream begin. Let your darker side give in to the power of the music of the night.” I long for nothing more than to be true to my submissive side and to be taken to places I’ve never been before. I feel then I will be living my life to its fullest. I will be happier than I have ever been. I want to lay my soul at the feet of another and devote my entire being to them. I want to experience the level of trust that this takes and feel the headiness of it.

“You alone can make my song take flight. Help me make the music of the night.” The dominant and submissive roles are nothing without each other. Though the power belongs to the dominant it is because the submissive yearns to hand that control over. They are two lonely creatures without one another. Beautiful music is created when these two roles become one.

List 20 thing you fiercely believe in

2011-07-22T13:29:00.002-04:00

List 20 things you fiercely believe in.

1. Integrity
2. Honesty
3. Most people want to do the right thing and are basically good
4. Children will determine the continued existence of our race. The way we treat our children will positively correlate with the success of our world.
5. Jane Austen is one of the best authors of all time.
6. Being submissive to another and serving them will be one of the most freeing experiences I will ever have and that this relationship will exist for me in truth and completeness.
7. Spanking is one of the most wonderful feelings.
8. That I can become a more forgiving individual and stop holding onto the past like a security blanket.

I was working on a journal prompt “List 20 things you fiercely believe in.” I got to number 8 before my brain started to take off on its own. Which, I believe is the whole point of the journal prompts.

Number 8 on my list was that I believe I can become a more forgiving person and can stop holding onto the past. I feel like I have become a rather negative person. I know I have commented on FL and FB before about how my status messages often seem negative. I am always complaining about something. This thought was further feed by a comment about how it does seem as though I hold onto things until I pop, sometimes years later.

This is something I have been working on at work. When I first started working in this field, I quickly realized how easy it is to get caught up in pointing out what a kid is doing wrong. So, I have been working on making it a point to point out how much the kids do right.

I think I need to change that focus to my private life as well. Even if I’ve had a tough day, my status messages have to find the positive in the day. I also think it may be time to start rebuilding my relationship with my mother. I have set boundaries for her and she has been respecting them. Perhaps it’s time to be more loving and respectful toward her and to let the past in the past.

7.20.11

2011-07-20T12:26:00.002-04:00

I got my journal out to put down my daily journal entry. I was running through topics in my head when I caught this light moving on the wall. The light seemed to be following a pattern of sorts but at first I couldn't find the source of the light. It looked like a flash light beam or a reflection of some kind. It frustrated me that I could not figure out where the light on the wall was coming from.

When I couldn't find the source of the light, I began to wonder if the light was something other than a flashlight, headlight from a car driving by, or a reflection off a shiny surface. I began to think could this be paranormal? I have some friends who whole heartedly believe in the paranormal. Two in particular run a paranormal group. They believe in ghosts and go to places to hunt for ghosts.

I think it would be interesting to go with them sometime. I would want to go with my own digital recorder and see if I could "catch" something myself. They have played some stuff that they claim to have caught on their investigations but I tend to doubt things unless I experience them for myself.

After thinking about this, I was determined to find a rational and concrete explanation for this traveling light on the wall. I took my time and looked at all the reflective surfaces around the room. Thin it finally caught my eye. Above the window directly across from the wall was a shiny star that was turning in the breeze in the room. As it rotated around, it would catch the light from the ceiling fan and reflect it on the wall. Case solved!

Id' like to believe that this is how the world works in reality. There is a logical, scientific, and rational explanation for everything. Even the things we are as of yet unable to explain. The answer is out there. We just haven't developed the technology nor the science to understand it all just yet. Give the human race time, we'll get it all figured out eventually.

7.19.11

2011-07-19T09:13:00.002-04:00

I am thinking about pain. It's on my mind because cause I got bit last night at work and it was just super irritating. So, it got me wondering about why I enjoy pain in certain contexts.

This got me thinking about life and how if we didn't have painful moments in our lives, would we grow the same?

I've often thought that the physical pain I ask others to inflict on me is a manifestation of the pain I experience in the world around me. I have difficulty expressing those negative emotions and physical pain has served as a catalyst at times for cleansing catharsis. Does that mean that if I were to learn to be more verbal with my emotions that I would crave pain less?

The thing is I have gotten a little better at verbalizing my feelings. I still hold onto a lot of things. However, I have been practicing it at work and have slowly begun to see it translate into other parts of my life. Still, I crave pain.

I guess I could sit here and analyze this to death. Actually, I'd probably be content to analyze everything to death. I think I am in the wrong school of psychology. Either that or I'm channeling Freud right now.

7.18.11

2011-07-19T09:06:00.002-04:00

What does it mean to be happy? Is it finding happiness in the moment? is it being true to your values and goals despite all odds? Is it being surrounded by those who love and care about you and who support you?

What if your happiness seems to be found in serving others? What if one finds enjoyment in constantly and consistently doing those little things that show you care and and are thinking of someone you love? What if happiness if putting the needs, desires, and happiness of someone else before your own?

Does it ever feel like society tells us that these behaviors are OK in moderation but that you should always be looking out for yourself first? How do you explain that you don't' want to be focused on yourself? how do you explain wanting nothing more than to give up control and to devote your entire being to the will and whims and needs and desires of another?

Saturday, a coworker jokingly told me he was going to severely restrict my freedom and ability to do anything. he said I wasn't allowed to do anything or go anywhere or think or speak or move. He didn't want me to sit up, stand up, or lay down. The only thing I was allowed to do was exist and breath. If only we could find those moments in time when that was a possibility.

7.17.11

2011-07-17T22:25:00.002-04:00

I am definitely enjoying this weather. This is totally my time of year. I'm definitely not a winter person though I deal with it the best I can. This scorching heat is what I crave though. I love to be warm. While everyone is trying to hide in the air conditioning, I'm outside in my jeans and t-shirt trying to soak up as many rays before winter comes and I'm digging myself out of four foot snow blizzards again.

Today was a super sunny and beautiful day. I love to ride with the car windows down and the radio blasting. I love the feel of the wind coming into the car blowing through my hair. It's so relaxing. I just wish I had a sun roof like I did in my last car. :)

7.16.11

2011-07-17T12:48:00.001-04:00

Is there such a thing as trying to help someone too much? I become the most frustrated at work when I am trying to work with and help a client and nothing I do seems to help. I feel helpless and useless and I have to work to check in with myself and remember not to take things personally. I am not responsible for their behaviors.

This is hard to keep in perspective sometimes. I want so much to fix everything and to make everything all better for them. I often wish I had a magic wand that I could wave to take away all their anger and pain and confusion.

Tonight I had to walk away from a client. This is something I rarely have to do and feel guilty about when I realize that I am no longer helping the situation. Beginning at 7 am today, our "wild" client was up and in rare form. I managed to wrangle her into some basic form of compliance and emotional control until after lunch. At that point, it seemed as though nothing I did could help her manage her emotions or behave safely or appropriately. she was determined to force our hand into a physical restraint and through sheer will and determination, she won and I left physically and mentally exhausted.

Every staff has gone out of their way to help this client. It seems the harder we try, the more she demands. Working in this field, one needs an understanding that these clients act out and are needy due to the sever abuse they have experienced. However, there has to be a point when you have to stop being the rescuer and force a client to learn how to stand on their own two feet.

I think I've found that moment for this particular client. After the restrain, she asked for me and then proceeded to spend the next hour dodging every question presented to her regarding her behavior and to blatantly ignore my directives and prompts to get ready for bed. She refused to acknowledge that her behaviors had adverse effects on her peers to whom I had promised a special snack for positive behavior and which I was unable to get due to her singular shenanigans.

Obviously, being super nurturing with boundaries does not seem to be in this client's best interest. There are roles we play at work and I often find myself in the role of rescuer. I think I may need to find a way to step out of this role with this client. There is a even bumpier road ahead.

7.15.11

2011-07-17T12:47:00.001-04:00

When I am being honest with myself, deep down I long to belong to someone. I'm not sure I have ever truly belonged to someone. I have a habit of putting a giant wall up between me and those around me to keep them from knowing what I'm thinking or feelings.

Belonging to someone would include unconditional love, understanding, boundaries, structure, rules, and discipline. I have been through relationship after relationship searching for this yet never finding it. I believe the main reason for this is because I get in my own way and find some way to sabotage things to prove that I am unlovable and that no body wants me.

I once had a professor lecture me about how I define myself through other people. I wanted to ask her what was wrong with that and what if it made me happy? Instead, I nodded and began to question myself and my worth and what was wrong with me.

Now that I have begun this new journey of wanting to be submissive to someone, I am once again faced with this urge to belong rather than just submit. I am once again questioning the words of that professor. How much of that is belonging and/or being truly submissive? Is it really denying your own self worth or rather acknowledging you are happiest when you are serving others and showing your love and devotion
through making them happy?

A journey of self discovery. Step 2: Admit that you are lost and confused

2011-05-25T11:36:00.001-04:00

What do you do when, after you say that you are leaving, thing change for the better? You talk about why you want to leave and why you aren't happy and then he starts doing the things that you wanted him to be doing from the beginning?

I am not sure how much of it was a lack of communication on my part. I am not sure how much of it was him not listening and being complacent with the way things were on his. I am sure that there was a little bit of both of those situations occurring.

Right now I feel super overwhelmed, confused, and rather lost. I have no idea what the right choice is here. Do I stay and give this more of a chance? Do I go because these changes are only temporary and every thing is going to go back to the way it was and I'm going to continue to be unhappy.

I feel torn. I feel, in a way, obligated to give this a chance. I entered into this relationship and he had expectations of it lasting forever. I've been there and know exactly what it feels like to have your heart ripped out because the other person was unwilling to give it their all even when you were willing to make the changes that they said would make them happy. I also feel like staying would just be dragging out the inevitable. That I'm going to continue to feel the way I have been feeling and continue to be miserable and become bitter and angry.

There is so much exploration that I want to do and I feel that I do need freedom and space to accomplish that goal/task. But could he learn to be what I want? Should I give him a chance or am I simply trying to change him into something he may not ever be and would his trying be unfair? Is he simply grasping at straws to try and keep me from leaving and in the end he's going to be the one bitter and angry because he's unhappy with trying to meet my expectations?

If I do decide that ultimately, striking out on my own is the best thing to do, do I stay here where I have a job with health insurance and benefits or do I move off to the next state or town and start over completely? The winters here suck and I wouldn't mind living somewhere warmer. I hate job hunting and apartment hunting though. If I were to move any where, perhaps I should move closer to my sister and her family. I miss my nieces a great deal and do wish that I could see them more often.

I need to stop and take a breath. I need to take this one decision at a time. First I need to ultimately decide what to do about my relationship. I need to think long and hard about what is important to me and what is best for the both of us. I know I need to ultimately think about what is best for me but I can't just negate his feelings in this situation either. I worry about how to make the separation for us both as painless as possible. Because he's not a bad guy and I don't want to ruin the deep friendship we have built as I have with others in the past. I just feel that he's not the right one for me.

A journey of self discovery. Step 1: Have a foursome

2011-05-19T12:58:00.003-04:00

I’m starting this post off with a disclaimer for my friends who don’t want to read about my more sexual exploits. If it’s not something you want to know about me, stop reading here. :D

Last night I had a wonderful and new experience. Tuesday night, I got to see some very dear friends who moved out of town last summer to follow their own paths and dreams. I have come to care for both of these individuals a great deal, especially H. She’s one of the handful of women I get along with and who doesn’t annoy me with obnoxious girl crap like shopping or fussing over hair/make-up/etc. I met H and J through W when I first left Siege and moved in with W.

So, Tuesday I met everyone at one of the local bars. H and I played some pool and then sat away from the boys and talked my version of girl talk which in this case involved penises and juicy sex gossip and trading techniques. Our conversation eventually lead to us talking about having a threesome and swinging.

Finally H commented on how we had segregated ourselves and how the boys should be paying attention to me. I noticed that there was an empty chair between W and J and said that I should go over there and demand attention. H agreed with me so, that’s what I did. I sat in the chair and told J and W that I wanted attention, which they both were more than happy to give me. Mostly cause I’m THAT adorable.

I was screwing around on the bar stool and spinning myself around and just have a good old time when W told me quietly that he and J had been talking about us all getting together for a foursome. Really??? That’s sort of what H and I had JUST been talking about. How coincidental. I indicated interest and W moved closer to H to get her opinion on the idea. I stayed and played on the stool while J watched thinking I don’t know what.

After a while I jumped off the stool and went back over to where H was and started talking to her about the idea. She was totally into it and so we said we would communicate with each other and see what we could set up. H and I texted back and forth and Wednesday morning everyone decided that they were on board with the idea so we set things up.

We all met at a nice little hotel room. I think the most comfortable person in the room was W. We sat around and talked and had a drink or two. Then finally J commented “So, how do we get something like this started.” To which W replied with something along the lines of someone just has to make the first move, got up, and kissed H. Then encouraged J to do the same to me…which he did…which I liked… a lot.
From there things sort of took off naturally on their own. It was a truly wonderful and interesting feeling. Definitely something I wouldn’t mind doing again should the opportunity ever present itself. Especially if it’s with J and H.

One thing that did catch me off guard a little was that I experienced what I can only equate to sub drop this morning. I was not expecting that at all. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being held down and forced to endure extremely intense sensations. It’s a way to seriously get into my head and to flip that submissive switch. J wormed his way into my brain that way and then the scene stopped rather abruptly. I got a little emotional and obsessive that I had done something wrong or wasn’t good enough and that J didn’t enjoy himself or have a good time. I was beating myself up a bit that I could have been much better than I was and pushed HIS buttons better. This though, is me being me and I just had to work to shut the obsessive thoughts down.

Trust me when I say, I’m not complaining at all. I know that next time I need to make sure I’m being more communicative beforehand about my sub psyche. I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything in the world. It was a wonderful time spent with two wonderful friends. Where is the rewind button so we can do it again?

Most memorable parts of the evening:

1. Having my bottoms enthusiastically yanked off and tossed across the room.
2. Super intense physical sensations and being held down so I couldn't squirm away.
3. Being sweated all over by a super hot man. Something that gets me way hotter than it probably should but I LOVE it.
4. Looking into J's eyes and seeing the Toppy look.
5. J grabbing my leg and yanking me back toward him when I did start to squirm away when I wasn't being held down.

Totally awesome quote of the night: "I absolutely had no intentions of stopping."

*sigh* Well, I'm off to reminisce.

Starting a journey of self-discovery

2011-05-05T17:41:00.000-04:00

I have decided to embark on a journey of self discovery. I am not 100% sure on where my journey will take me or what I will learn about myself. I haven’t been mistreated or necessarily taken advantage of. I simply have realized just how unhappy I have been for much too long. I also realize that I have been unfair to some people in my life by expecting them to be other than what they are under the pretext of accepting them at face value despite realizing that there are aspects that just don’t fit me in some important ways.

First off, I need to learn to be completely truthful and honest with myself. I need to realize what it is that I want in life and settle for nothing less. In particular, approaching relationships with a “this is the best I can do” attitude needs to stop. I know what I yearn for and what I feel is important to me and I need to stop telling myself either I don’t deserve it or it is too far beyond my reach to ever have in my life.

This is a journey I started after my hospitalization but that I put on pause because it was getting scary and overwhelming. I realize that I have grown stronger through the last year and a half and that sometimes you just need to tell the people around you that something is missing and that you need to go find it. Sometimes you have to tell the people around you that there is something unhealthy going on and that they need to change the relationship or there is no relationship. When they are unwilling to make the necessary changes then you have to find the strength to say “No, this is enough” as I had to do with my mother and brother.

Spanking has become such an integral part of who I am and has been something that has been glaringly absent throughout my most recent relationship. This really isn’t anyone’s fault. We all have different kinks or likes and sometimes they match up and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes you think your preferences aren’t as important as they truly are and you try to live without them and be happy with what you have and you just can’t.

I have realized even more strongly through the last year that spanking goes beyond a sexual proclivity for me. It’s a lifestyle that I so desperately want and need. I want that D/s relationship that insinuates itself into so many aspects of my day to day living. As I continue to grow older, I find the appeal of traditional family values becoming stronger and stronger. I find having a family more appealing with time as well, though something I’m not ready for right now.

I look at me and contemplate how to balance the “ideal” me with who I actually am. A fun loving, though often too serious, still working through past trauma, too willing to take on the world’s problems, strongly independent woman. Then the next question is what kind of person can deal with that and not be driven bat shit crazy?

I am strong; I’ve had to be to survive some of the things that have been thrown my way. The survival skills I have picked up throughout my life can make me odd at times and SUPER introspective. I have been told by more than one partner that I am too difficult to read and that this adds to the issues we have. I don’t know how to change that. When being unresponsive in the face of confrontation kept you alive for years, how do you change that to be more open with thoughts and feelings that are so uncomfortable you fear putting any of them into words because that will give them power and entrance into complete reality?

These are the things I want to figure out. This is what I want to come to truly understand. How can I meld who I am with who I want to be? I know it’s mostly time, understanding, and patience with myself.

This is my first plan of attack. I will find my own place where I have my own space and to just give myself time. I will look at myself openly and honestly and decide what I need to change and what parts make me the wonderful, loving, caring, patient, goofy person that I am that should be kept. I will make positive changes to become even stronger and happier. If I need help I will seek it out from friends, healthy family members, and appropriate professionals. Through all of this I will build myself up and get what I want and refuse to settle for anything less.

Accountability, discipline, and corner time

2011-05-04T08:47:00.001-04:00

Accountability and responsibility are huge for me. They are major principles in my life that I hold near and dear to my heart. Not only do I expect myself and others to take accountability for their actions, I teach my clients how to do this every day.

However, guilt continues to plague me. I cannot just let things go on my own. Having that accountability to someone else and being punished for negative actions feels integral to whom I am. It’s super frustrating having that lack of being accountable to someone else and makes it super difficult to let things go and forgive myself for negative behaviors.

A few months ago, I was driving home from work. It was 11 at night, I was driving in a blizzard, and texting on my cell phone. I was also driving at a rather unsafe speed for the weather conditions. So, there I am, driving with my elbows, in very low visibility, too quickly, and I drove off the road. I didn’t get hurt and I didn’t do any damage to the car. I simply scared the hell out of myself and realized how much worse that situation could have been. The guilt hit me like a ton of bricks but there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

I’ve been carrying that guilt and shame around with me for a good while. Since then, I’ve been diligent about not texting and driving. But, I needed to rid myself of this stuff that I’d been carrying around. I knew I could easily ask RG and that he would willingly oblige in helping me rid myself of this huge emotional load I’ve been carrying around for the last few months.

Everyone once in a blue moon, I’ll come across someone whose dominance sort of smacks me in the face and I instinctually know that they would be able to touch that part of my brain that I hide from everyone around me. These are the individuals I will seek out when we are together to give me those super intense stress relief spankings. You know the ones where I’m just a sobbing pile of emotional release at the end. I met such a person at BBW and after a couple of low key sessions, asked if he would be willing to spank me for something specific.

After a serious conversation and us both knowing where each other was coming from, I was instructed to stop talking and go stand in the corner. Here’s a huge first for me. I have NEVER been put in the corner. In fact, I have always questioned its effectiveness and actually considered it rather silly. It wasn’t silly at all. Something in my brain snapped as soon as I got up and put myself in the corner. It made it so easy to access that part of my brain that I block off from the world around me every day so that I am not vulnerable to people who would hurt me with my feelings or in other ways.

The spanking was fairly intense ending with 25 heavy swats with a leather strap. On the 24th swat I was finally able to let that uber control go and then to let go of all that guilt and emotional torture I do to myself. I felt cleansed and renewed once I was finally able to calm myself down and stop the uncontrollable sobbing.
I keep going back to that corner time though. How can something that seemed so silly and ridiculous have such a powerful affect on me? I’m sure that the personality of the person controlling the scene had more to do with the affect that the corner time itself. Because I’m positive it would be silly and ridiculous in any other context for me. I simply was extremely surprised on the affect that it DID have on me in this discipline session.

How many of you use corner time? In what context and how does it affect you mentally/emotionally? Are there times when it works for you and when it doesn’t?

Boardwalk Badness 2011

2011-05-03T09:12:00.002-04:00

I have just gotten back from the Boardwalk Badness Weekend party hosted by Mike T, Mike S, Miranda, and Jules. This was, hands down, one of the best events I have attended. Today I am experiencing a sense of quiet and internal examination that I go through after having been thoroughly spanked.

Initially it was very difficult for me to leave my work behind and spent the first part of the first day texting my coworkers asking how things were going. Luckily they realized I was trying to be a control freak and stopped answering my texts demanding that I enjoy my vacation and stop obsessing. Some people get to know me too well.

Adelina and I made the trek across the great state of Pennsylvania together. We had an 8 hour drive ahead of us and decided to split I up into two days of travel as we were on vacation and truly wanted to be able to enjoy it. It was a good thing we did because we ran into some unexpected hurdles along the way. However, together we were able to overcome them and arrive in Atlantic City Thursday evening.

Thursday evening we met up with RG and Sarah_Thorne and got settled in the room they were kind enough to share with us. There was a very nice registration and meet and great in one of the restaurants of the hotel. I was able to connect with many of the people I already knew and was introduced to a few new faces. Now, I’m a super shy person so eventually I made my way into the corner of one of the booths and sat their people watching until I became over whelmed by the crowd and snuck off to the room for the remainder of the night.

Friday was a fairly laid back day as well. There were no festivities planned until later in the evening so a group of us headed off to stroll on the board walk. It was absolutely beautiful and fun.

Let’s see...some of the more memorable interactions of the weekend.

Friday night:

Having to get rather insistent with “Mel Brooks” that he stop hitting my legs.

I started out playing the ice breaker game. Then abandoned the effort when the first person came over and asked Adelina what her sign was and they were the same. I made an attempt at moving away so he wouldn’t ask me because mine was different but the attempted failed and I was spanked for my efforts.

Getting introduced to Professor Hardgrove’s lovely paddles. I should have gone back for seconds but got side tracked with other things.

Buying the evil whippy little cane and then having it used on me by no less than three Tops who “just wanted to try it out.” In addition, getting suckered into buying an equally evil fly swatter and having a similar experience with that implement as well. BTW, JP, you make absolutely lovely implements.

Informing Publikk that the Jokari was his for the weekend and seeing his eyes light up like a kid at Christmas when I went and got it and presented it to him to control for 3 whole days.

Saturday:

Beginning my day with taunting Publikk and Kat regarding their lack of bagels and my having enjoyed the tasty pastry. Then later that evening, being totally thrown under the bus by my very own roommates, having Publikk show up, being held down by RG, and paddled with the Jokari for said taunting of the bagels.

Participating in the reformatory role play, being totally ignored by all the Tops who rushed on stage, deciding to try and “sneak” off stage, being stopped by the guard, having my pig tail grabbed by Miss Chris, and then enjoying a wonderful spanking at the hands of Miss Chris.

Going for a walk by myself on the beach. Coming across a horseshoe crab, daring myself to touch it but chickening out. Then further down the beach coming across the carcass of some sort of fish and taking pictures of it because that’s the circle of life.

Performing in the talent show. The reaction of the audience when I pulled out my giant sword (no, that’s not a metaphor) and then their second reaction when I balanced it on my head. That was such an awesome experience even if that damn thing fell off half way through the performance.

Finally getting to play with the best flogger in the universe. He’s not too bad with other implements either. That belt was super yummy. However, the flogger felt just like getting a super awesome massage. I was definitely in heaven.

Grabbing Big Wood (my 23 inch wooden school paddle with holes) and taking it up to the penthouse suites and then being soundly spanked with it by SpankingJoe. Next time we need to do more than ten because quite honestly, it was beautiful and rather art like in the way you used my favorite implement.

Seeing Adelina put in the corner where she belongs and her going there willingly finally understanding her place and accepting it.

All the totally awesome banter and antics with my super wonderful friends. Cuddling on the bed with them. Watching munchkin and Kat carry out a distraction plan to be able to pull up an embarrassing picture of Publikk. Receiving spankings with the Jokari from Publikk and insisting that he refer to the Jokari as “My Precious.” Having Publikk try out munchkin’s totally awesome paddle on me, I’m totally envious and definitely will be stalking that vendor’s ebay store until he puts up another one. Being distracted by munchkin’s crotch during one of the times I was on the receiving end of the Jokari. Being flogged by “Mistress Munchkin” I am in awe of your skillz and RG should definitely fear them. Staying up until 3 am with some of the most important people in my world.

Sunday:

Deciding to wait until the very last minute to start our trek back home.

Hanging out with SpankingJoe for the majority of the day and being able to experience his handy work first hand for a second time that weekend.

Experiencing a first. Being over someone's knee while he's singing "This little red light of mine, I'm going to let it shine." SJ, you're truly a unique individual!

Asking a newly made acquaintance for a huge favor and for that favor being obliged in such a way I almost lack the words to describe my gratitude.

The worst part of the weekend was having to leave and make my way home. I am so happy to have been able to meet some a couple of people that I hope I will be able to add to my long term friends list. One in particular stands out and I truly hope communication lines stay open and that we keep in touch. It’s rather rare that people make such an impression on me. My standards for such impression making are rather high and when some comes along with such presence and character it’s hoped that a friendship will grow and develop from such a meeting.

I do have goals for next year:

Be more diligent in making sure I get at least one spanking from Mike T.

Amp up my belly dance performance. Shimmies will be coming next time!!

Get spanked by someone wearing a plastic helmet with a spinning light on the top with a siren going. I am feeling a First Responder role play developing!

12.23.10

2010-12-23T10:12:00.001-05:00

I’m in the mood for pain and know that it’s more than likely not anywhere in my immediate future. That means you all get to suffer because I’m going to bitch about stuff here as an attempt to release some of the stuff I’m holding on to that makes me want to just explode on the people around me and take my anxiety and frustration out on them.

The honey moon period at the new company is officially over. This means clients are acting out and really starting to test limits. For me, this means that I have to watch everything I do and say so that it doesn’t come across in any sort of counter aggressive manner. Any of you who have had people test you and come at you all day know what I’m talking about. In essence, my job not only requires me to be in control of me but also of the 5-7 clients with whom I am working.

Last week the same client had 3 major melt downs 3 days in a row and I was the only staff on the unit available to deal with her. By the end of the third day I was seriously getting close to the edge of the proverbial ledge. Now, the staff at this new agency for MUCH better than the staff I worked with at the other agency. So, when I was done with each intervention the other staff would work to find me some time to step off the unit to be able to take some down time. I wish we had a treadmill on site. That would be the perfect time to pound out some hill sprints to release all that tension and frustration.

Also, W’s and my relationship isn’t what I would call in trouble but we’re in this phase where we really aren’t spending much time together. We seem distant from each other and that makes communication even more difficult. I already have my issues with talking about my feelings. When I feel like things are rough between us it makes it even more difficult for me to say what is on my mind. I am sure we’ll be able to work whatever is going on out.

I am also struggling with body image issues. Sometimes they are triggered by looking in the mirror and seeing something with which I am not happy. Other times it will be a comment made that will set me to obsessing about something. I am, thankfully, still managing to keep my eating issues under control. I know my body image is related to my health and I’m waiting patiently for my health insurance to start so I can address some overdue issues like the PCOS. Hopefully there will be successful treatment to help with the facial hair and the excessive weight. Both of which significantly bother me and are, at times, commented on by people who don’t always think before they let things come out of their mouths. Recently, someone said that I have a strong body odor. I shower daily, wear deodorant, and perfume, what more am I supposed to do? Maybe I need to start showering twice daily.

Life isn’t terrible; it’s just a bit stress inducing and one of my major coping skills isn’t available. I might have the chance to use it next week. I have my fingers crossed but if not there is always April to which I am definitely looking forward!

I hope everyone is having a very lovely holiday season.

Santa is a bully

2010-12-20T10:05:00.001-05:00

I was gifted with the opportunity to go visit some of my close spanko friends two weekends ago. It was so much fun and helped me relax and unwind a bit. You know you are in the company of good friends when you can spend the first 24 plus hours with each other and not have a single spanking going on. We all spent the first day just talking, catching up with one another, and discussing some of the hijinks going down on some of the groups in Fetlife. At one point during the first day I realized that I was the only girl in the room. I could hear the other girls at the back of the house, so I got up and went to see what they were doing and if I was missing out on some fun. As I was walking away from the kitchen I heard Rich say “This is never good.”

The girls were all in one of the back bedrooms just talking and laughing with each other. I definitely was missing out on some fun. So, I sat down and joined in. We had a little “sleepover party” just talking about life and the funny moments in it. A couple of times one of the guys would come back to see what we were up to but we’d scare them off with our high levels of estrogen and they would leave us to our cookies (Thanks Adelina!) and our conversation. Apparently, they didn’t have as much fun as we were having but that’s not our fault. :D

Saturday morning and afternoon was pretty much the same as Friday evening. We just sat around talking and enjoying each other’s company. At least until Dot, Batman, and I were sitting in the living room talking and hanging out. Dot’s the one who started it as she began to poke me in my side. I am EXTREMELY ticklish. So much so that I can’t not laugh when people just think about tickling me. Dot’s sitting next to me poking me in the side trying to instigate me. Someone said something along the lines of someone should spank one of us. Batman, Dot’s husband, grabbed his wife and hauled her over his lap and started giving her a couple of swats. Dot yelled at me to help her and I jumped up and grabbed his arm so he couldn’t spank her any more. This apparently incited Richard Windsor’s sensibilities and he jumped into the fray and started spanking me for trying to help poor defenseless Dot. It was great fun.

That rather got the ball rolling in the spanking department and the spanking activity picked up. I got a lovely warm up spanking from Batman. I got spanked with a ruler for once again insinuating that RG still doesn’t know how to speak properly through his southern accent. I got spanked by RG twice for flipping him off. W even spanked me once for smarting to him about something. In between all of that we continued to converse with one another and enjoy some mimosas.

Sarah_thorne made us all a very lovely dinner of BBQ chicken, corn, and super yummy mashed potatoes. It was such a lovely meal. I love Sarah’s cooking. She always makes such wonderful food.

After dinner, we watched A Christmas Story which has become our traditional movie to watch at this particular get together. Then it was time for the Santa Claus role play where the SUPPOSEDLY naughty girls get spanked and switched by Santa. So, all the girls got changed into their pajamas.

First I noticed Santa taking a hand full of switched down into the basement to prepare for switching us poor innocent bottoms. Since he waited until the last minute to do this, I decided he needed a consequence so I locked him in the basement. Sarah saw me do this and informed me that we needed to lock all the other doors because he’d still be able to get outside and come in through another door. So, she helped me make sure all the other doors were locked.

Now. Rich SAW me and Sarah lock all the doors in the house in an attempt to keep Santa out. He then decided that he needed to step outside to enjoy one of his vices. After Rich stepped outside I noticed that he didn’t lock the door behind him so I did it for him because Santa was still being consequence. How is it MY fault that Rich got locked out too?

Batman was being very unhelpfully and finally bullied his way to the basement door and let Santa (who still wasn’t dressed) out of the basement. I was blamed solely and completely and thusly restrained by RG and promptly spanked. Batman then let Rich back in the house and when RG was done “trying” to teach me a lesson he stood me up, placed me in a standing upper torso assist, and after Rich sat down put me over Rich’s lap for yet another spanking! Isn’t that double jeopardy? I need to check the legal documents.

Finally Santa got dressed (after all the bottoms in fleece drop seat PJs melted from being too warm) and we were able to get to our Santa role play. The switch is evil!! After the role play the infamous prison strap was brought out and enjoyed by many. Then Rich’s favorite cane was discovered and we all made our rounds on the receiving end of that lovely implement as well.

It was such a wonderful weekend. I, of course, didn’t want it to end. We joke about starting a commune but I think we need to stop joking and get to the planning stage of this wonderful idea.

11.28.10

2010-11-28T10:50:00.003-05:00

It's been a while but I'm still alive. I have to leave for work soon so this will be a quick post. After I am done with my 32 hours of work in 48 hours stint I'll get a better post up Wednesday or Thursday.

For now, the spanking well has been dry since the SSC. However, I only have to make it two more weeks before I get to see all my close spanko friends again for Christmas.

I am trying to come up with a funny t-shirt for the Santa Clause role play. I need to get that done in the next couple of days so I have it for the get together.

I hope you are all well and had a wonderful Thanksgiving if you celebrate that particular holiday.

SSC 2010

2010-10-13T20:20:00.001-04:00

Last week I was able to go to GA with some very dear friends for the (usually) annual SSC (Southern Spanking Conference). I wasn’t able to go last year because of its occurrence being sandwiched in somewhere between my nervous breakdown and my separation from my husband. I almost wasn’t going to be able to go this year due to work but thanks to my impromptu quitting that job I was able to make the trip and see all my favorite spankos.

The first two days of my unexpected vacation involved travelling. I didn’t have to almost any of the driving so I mostly sat reading or listening to my eclectic collection of music. There was some conversation but the nice thing about traveling with three other introverts, the comfortable silence.

At SSC 2010 I was able to fulfill one of my fantasies of being spanked by a female Top. I met her at my first ever spanking party (SSC 2006) and haven’t seen her for two years. So, I was pleasantly surprised when she said she was a Top now and did I want a spanking?

The one thing that caught me off guard about this year’s party was my own emotions. I have been coping with my separation from my husband, what I feel to be, rather well. So, when everyone started showing up at the main house and I began to get teary, I bolted for the nearest bathroom and closed myself in there until the feeling passed. I effectively did this twice without anyone seeing me or my teary eyes.

The thing is I met all my spanko friends with E. The problem was that I began to obsess and worry that these people were secretly thinking things about my decision to leave E. So, I began to worry and become anxious. Then when A walked in and asked where E was I completely lost it. There was a surreal almost comical moment when after A asked where E was I could FEEL Sarah behind me doing one of those panicky waving “don’t say that” sorts of gestures behind me. I hate crying in front of people and so I wanted to run and hide but she wouldn’t let me.

At first I was upset that I wasn’t being allowed to run and hide. However, in the end I am glad she didn’t let me. She really helped me put some things into perspective over the weekend. It can be difficult for me to talk about things. If you’re a regular reader you know that one of my weaknesses is sharing my feelings with others. Especially negative feelings that I feel would bother or hurt those with whom I am sharing said feelings.

I found myself surrounded by this most amazing support group. I don’t think I’m worth much of anything. I often question why people call themselves my friend. I am shy and withdrawn and suck at some of the more outgoing social skills such as returning emails and YIM and actually answering my cell phone when people call me or returning phone calls when people leave me voice mail messages.

Yet, here I was. Surrounded by people letting me know that they were willing to help in whatever way they could to give me the emotional support that I needed. It blew my mind.

After I stopped crying A offered to give me a spanking and I took her up on the offer. The spanking got pretty intense and I could feel myself on that cusp where if I let it continue I was going to break down into a sobbing pile of spankee goo. So, I asked her to stop and if we could play privately the next day and she understood and agreed. The next day (Friday) we did play privately (with another female Top) and I did have one of those emotional releases where you let go of everything you have been holding on to but up until that moment have not been able to release in any other way. We were able to have a chance to get in a similar spanking scene with just me and her on Saturday as well.

On a less serious note, Publikk gave me my first spanking of the weekend on Thursday. Of course it was solely based on a completely bogus charge of aiding and abetting and was only brought up because I was trying to make Suzie and Amber take responsibility for their actions. They both were acting horrendously in a convenience store giggling over, of all things, Mike’s Harder Lemonade. However, I must grudgingly admit that it was a wonderful spanking and a very nice way to start the party and the weekend off. He was pleased because I remembered to bring the Jokari knowing that he was going to be there and how much he fell in love with that particular implement the first time we met at FMS. So, any BG intentions on his part were tempered by how sweet of an angel I am for remembering such things telling him he had free use of the Jokari throughout the entire weekend.

I got two VERY lovely GG spankings from both Todd and Rich on Saturday. Sort of like yoga meditation only while lying over someone’s lap. I was so happy to be able to play with both of them. They are two spankers with whom I have been at the very same party for more than one day and we still miss the chance to play together. So, Saturday I had them at the top of my dance card and wasn’t going to let them get away without spanking me. Though they both seemed to be of the same mind and made it a point to collect on their respective IOUs.

Saturday was also the night of the school girl role play. I can take or leave role plays. Though, I have found that once I get into them I really do have fun with them. I wasn’t originally going to participate in the role play but A came over and TOLD me I was doing the role play and then escorted me to my borrowed skirt and ordered me to change into it. Ok, I can be persuaded when I want to be.

After I changed into my skirt I was sitting next to Amber and decided to start acting up and taught her the “Fuck Fuck” song. That got me moved to the other side of the room by myself. I realized that I needed to pee and asked A if I could go “wee wee.” She said no and so I waited until her back was turned and bolted for the nearest bathroom. When I got to the bathroom Kat was in it and so I had to wait a second for her to come out. I thought I was going to get caught waiting but I was able to duck into the bathroom before A came down and started knocking on the door and demanding that I come out.

I finished my business, washed my hands, opened the door, and there was A standing in front of the door holding her long pine paddle with the holes in it. So, I did what any self preserving bottom would do, I slammed the door in her face. She started counting, informed me that I didn’t want her to get to 3, and I didn’t want to take the risk so I opened the door and came out of the bathroom.

I was immediately escorted to the nearest table bent over and given three, unnecessarily hard swats with that evil thing. When I stood up I saw Kat and Publikk standing there watching. So, I looked at Publikk and asked “What the hell are you doing watching?” A responded for him by grabbing my pony tail and pulling me back over to the table and paddling me until I apologized to Publikk. Which only took 2 swats but HE had to chime in that he didn’t think it was sincere enough so I got another hard swat and had to apologize again!

Finally the actual role play started and it was a lot of fun. Kat and Amber were cracking me up with their antics as was Adelina. I learned a lot from them and will have to improve my technique in future role plays. I particularly enjoyed Kat’s Master Dick portrait of Master Rich the foreign exchange Headmaster brought in for his spectacular caning skills. However, no one taught me as much as C and her pink hair, black lip stick, and totally awesome attitude. I can only aspire to be that awesome in a group role play like that.

SSC 2010 was absolutely amazing and I am so glad that I got to go this year. I can’t wait for the next opportunity to be with all my dear friends again. Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that there are people who care about you out in this crazy world. Even if you are being a butt head and forgetting that fact because you are so wrapped up in the negative things that are going on in your own life and letting self pity get the best of you.

Cyber hugs all around!!

9.30.10

2010-09-30T10:46:00.001-04:00

I was putzing around the internet looking for something to write about. I came across an article about a planet that could possibly be similar to Earth. Gliese 581 is a dwarf star in the Libra constellation that has been found to have at least 6 planets orbiting around it. The sixth discovered planet is in what they are referring to as the “Goldilocks zone” in which it is possible that this planet has a makeup similar to Earth. This news brings up memories of growing up with my mother and my irrational fear of aliens.

I am pretty sure I have mentioned before that my mother can be a little insane. By insane I mean completely bat shit crazy. In reference to this particular post, my mother used to go around telling everyone who would listen, that she had been abducted by aliens. She would stand outside just starring at the sky and drag my sister and I out with her to ask us if we could see that thing moving in the sky. More traumatizing than this, for me, was that she would drag us off to UFO meetings full of bat shit crazy people who also thought they were abducted by aliens.

For a very long time I was terrified to go out at night because I didn’t know if UFOs and aliens were real and I had no desire to ever find out. I was pretty sure that if I walked outside only during the day, I would be fine. My sister, on the other hand, had a problem with dry sinuses and there were years, when she was a child, where she would get chronic nose bleeds. Sometimes she would get one a night for days in a row. Our mother had her terrified that my sister had been abducted by aliens and implanted something in her nose.

I have gotten over my fear of walking around outside at night. I no longer obsess about being abducted by aliens. However, I still can’t watch movies with aliens in them. Especially the ones that portray aliens as those little grey creatures with the great big eyes. My mother has scarred me from being able to enjoy cinematographic master pieces.

Anyway, I’m not saying there isn’t the possibility of life on other planets. Statistically speaking I’m sure there is a significant possibility that there are planets floating around out there. I just don’t think that they are flying around space, stopping at this planet, and anally raping the species here. At least not as often as some people claim.

I do wonder though, if there is life on other planets, do they have spankos?

9.29.10

2010-09-29T20:58:00.001-04:00

For those of you who asked, yes, I did get a birthday spanking. It was a very nice birthday spanking. Almost makes me wish I could celebrate my birthday every day. :)

I recently received a comment on one of my older posts. I posted some videos made by an amateur spanko. I really liked the videos he created and had the chance to talk to him a few times. He came across as a very sweet and real guy. So, I put some of his vids on my blog. He sent me a comment saying that he came across the things I said about his video and that it once again motivated him to start doing the thing he loved again. Now I need to head over to spankingtube and see if he has any new work up.

Updates in my life: I quit my job and am currently in the process of finding a new one. Other than that things are pretty much business as usual.
The company I have been working for told us at the beginning of September that the unit in which I have been working for the past 6 months was being closed. I was really upset by this news but these things happen when one company takes over another company. I decided that I would not stay with the company past the closing of the unit as I did not desire to go back to working with the boys as I feel more comfortable and more effective with girls.

I fully intended on staying through the closing date of Oct 15th. However, things began to change and not necessarily for the good. I began to have more and more work pushed on me. I found myself being mandated more often than other employees. All the other staff would come in and refuse to shift lead leaving me with this duty. Some of the staff would refuse to shift lead and then openly question, in front of the kids, some of the decisions I made about how the shift would run. I would spend most of my shift not only redirecting client after client but having to track down my staff to find out why they weren’t in their assigned room supervising their assigned group of kids.

I quit last Friday. I had fully intended on turning in my keys that Wednesday night. As soon as I walked in the office I was pulled in and told that I had been mandated for Saturday night. I had just been mandated on my day off for a double and now I was being mandated again that same week. So, I was POed about that. Then the kids were WAY off task over an incident that occurred during transport from school where one girl punched another girl in the face. There were a couple of times throughout the shift where I spent about 30 minutes redirecting 2-3 kids at once while other staff stood off to the side and just watched me. Other staff tried to shift lead over me and other staff members continuously disappeared. Needless to say I was at the end of my rope. However, one of the supervisors on grounds found out my intentions on running away and came over and talked me off the ledge. Then I spend Thursday pretty much doing the same thing. So Friday morning I told them I was done. I offered to work my shift that night but was told not to bother.
Yesterday I had an interview with another residential treatment facility working with mostly younger kids. I had an on the job interview today where I watched how the unit ran and interacted with the kids. I really enjoyed it and hope I get the job. The philosophy is much different than the RTF I just left. This new company uses a much gentler model rather than coming at the kids like criminals.

So, now I have some time off. This means that I am going to be able to make SSC which I am totally excited about. By this time next week I’ll be heading south with some very dear friends. I can’t wait! I will get to see people I haven’t seen in more than a year.

I plan on using this time to recharge my batteries, regroup, and get ready for the next grand adventure in my career. Oh yeah, and get some way awesome spankings. :D

Happy Birthday to me

2010-09-07T16:51:00.000-04:00

Well, I’m 31 years old today. Yipee for me.

With each year that passes, time seems to pass faster and faster.

I remember when I was younger, when I believed in God, I felt that I was put on this earth to do something special. I always thought that I was going to do something big to change the world. I look at those times and think about how naive I was and how in some ways I am still that naïve but in most ways I have learned much more than I sometimes want to know.

I look at my life now and still have this sense of not knowing where I belong or what I want or should be doing with my life. I still have that feeling of wanting to do something big to change the world. However, the reality is that most likely I will do a bunch of little things to help make a difference in the lives of a few. I am ok with that too. It’s just that part of my brain that reminds me that at best I have 50 years left on this earth wants to leave that unforgettable mark much like Gandhi or Einstein.

Last week, one of the girls in the unit wrote me a good bye letter as a way to help herself cope with the closing of the unit. I hope you don’t mind my sharing it with you.

Miss M,

How are you? I’m doing good. I have a lot to say to you. It is coming from my heart not my butt!

You have helped me so much!!! I am going to miss you. I still remember all of the conversations we had and it may not have seemed like you helped me but you did. Everything you have done has helped me. I remember when you taught me how to belly dance. I didn’t know much about it until you showed me. All I thought was that it was for girlie girls and you are not that. So you proved me wrong. Even though I don’t know you outside of here but I got to know some of you and the part that I know is an amazingly sweet young woman who is smart and pretty. You are so nice. You taught me to not revolve my world around others because if I am going to do something I need to make sure that I am doing it to help myself and not just for any guy. I’m glad because I feel it has made us closer and if it wasn’t for you I would have made a lot of mistakes but even when I did make mistakes you taught me to learn from them. You mean a lot to me and I really care about you a lot. I hope everything works out for you. And thank you for EVERYTHING!!!

Sincerely,

The client who wrote this to me.

I know my life isn’t meaningless.

Thinking about my dad

2010-09-06T15:43:00.001-04:00

It has been 12 years since my father passed away. I am still often plagued with the regret of not being able to have said goodbye to him. I was at a pow-wow with my mother and the guy I was seeing at that time. He had a heart attack the on Saturday and died Monday afternoon of a stroke.

I tend to remember my father with rose colored glasses. I think we often tend to do that with the people we love. I even do that with my mother.
Maybe I’m not so much looking at them through rose colored glasses as I’m willing to forgive them for not being great parents. My father was the better parent by far. However, like pretty much all parents he had his rough edges and there were definitely situations which he could have handled better.

One time, I was about 8 years old. I had been playing baseball in the backyard with some friends. My father knew that we were playing baseball as he had checked on us a couple of times. He never once commented on what we were doing. He would walk outside, make sure we were still in the backyard, and then go back in to his perch on the couch where he was watching some kind of television show.
The game ended abruptly when I took a baseball right to the face. I went inside crying and holding my eye. Both my parents came over to find out what was wrong. As my mother examined my eye, my father proceeded to scream at me about how he had told us not to play baseball numerous times.

I was much more vocal when I was eight than I am now about what I perceived as injustices in the world. So, I looked up at him and said “No you didn’t.” He immediately grabbed me and began to shake me while screaming at me further that he should just spank me for back mouthing him. I didn’t say another word and after being released from my father’s grip, sat quietly sulking while my mother made an ice pack for me to put on my eye.

Both of my parents were quick to use physical punishment as a means of correction. Though as my sister and I grew older my father’s use of physical punishment became less and my mother’s increased. After my parents got divorced my father stopped using physical punishment altogether and switched to lectures and grounding.
My father had the same habit I have of eating his emotions. He would let the things that bothered him build up and then explode on someone after awhile. I wish he were still around because I have all these questions about his and my mother’s relationship. I can’t ask my mother because she will just lie and tell me the things she wants me to know to make him look like the bad guy and her like the victim. I have a feeling that in fact it was somewhat the other way around.

I don’t think my father was innocent of fucking up their marriage. However, after the divorce my father never said anything bad about my mother, at least not to my sister and me. My mother on the other hand said told me repeatedly that my father was very abusive, was responsible for the miscarriage of one of her pregnancies, wanted to molest me and my sister, and was an all around terrible horrible person. I was eleven at the time of the divorce and wasn’t sure how to deal with everything that was happening rather quickly around me. So, I took what she said at face value and stopped talking to my father for about a year. I also was encouraged by my mother to write him a letter telling him that I hated him and never wanted to see him again. He wrote back saying that I didn’t know what I was talking about but that he would respect my wishes and would be there if I ever changed my mind and if I ever wanted to know the truth. After a year I decided I wanted to see my father again. Neither of us ever brought up the letter and he never told me anything about my mother which I didn’t ask about outright.

My father acted immediately the day he got confirmation from me that my mother was abusing me. This was the day I could no longer deny that my mother had been beating me as she left a mark I was unable to hide from everyone. He let me know that I wouldn’t be allowed to return home to my mother’s because he wasn’t going to sit back and watch her kill me. He called his lawyer, they went to court, delivered the papers to my mom, and picked up my things.

After the divorce and particularly after this event, my father seemed to be a different person. He was gentler and approached me with sometimes what seemed to be kid gloves. He still held me accountable for my actions but he no longer screamed or yelled at me or physically punished me in any way. Part of this was that I almost never did anything wrong because I was terrified of what would happen if I made people around me angry. When I did do something wrong though, my father would now sit down with me and talk about what I did, why it was wrong, and the consequences.

He seemed to understand me better than I understood myself during this time and could always tell when something was wrong with me both physically and mentally/emotionally. He encouraged me to explore myself and to learn who I was. He still expected a lot out of me when it came to school and I worked hard to not disappoint him. I was the straight A kid in the family.

There seemed to be this endless patience he had with me and took most of the idiosyncrasies, which I developed after my mother’s abuse, in stride. I think if he would have tried to force me to heal faster than I was ready or able I might not have turned out as mentally stable as I was able. Also, if he had not gotten me the help that I needed to process through the things that had happened during the three years I lived with my mother, I might not have turned out as well as I have.

9.3.10

2010-09-03T11:34:00.002-04:00

I went to work last night expecting all hell to break lose. Last night was the night we told the girls that the unit was closing and that we would be finding new placements for them. It ended up that there was only one restraint.

I don’t think there was a single dry eye among the clients. I was surprised that I held it together myself. That’s probably because I had one of those loud broken down sobbing episodes the night before and yesterday morning. So, I was sort of all cried out.

For my part in all of this I have decided to see out the six weeks and while doing so, try to find a position at another Female RTF. My experiences in both the boys’ and girls’ houses have taught me that I just am much more effective with girls than boys. I communicate better with girls and I am personally much more comfortable working with girls. I have found a couple of possible options and have asked one of my bosses to write me a letter of recommendation so I can put a resume packet together to drop off at the other company.

August kind of sucked major balls

2010-09-02T11:43:00.001-04:00

Once again life has swung back towards being kind of crappy. Lately it seems that my lesson in life is how to continually deal with adversity.

Ok, things aren’t as bad as they could be. I could be living in a card board box with no access to the internet or regular meals.

Last weekend I had to travel to Philly to get the last of my things. I had been communicating and communicating with E to try and plan a time to be able to go down and get it. I asked him repeatedly to let me know when he was going to move so that I could schedule the trip down but I never got an answer so I assumed that I had some time to work things out with work and finances.

I know my first mistake was to make assumptions and not just go get it done. We all know what happens when you assume and procrastinate. It comes back and bites you in the ass. Of course, that’s exactly what happened.

I got a call from E saying that he had already moved and that my stuff was still at the apartment. He told me he had piled all my stuff in the spare bedroom and that I needed to get it out before 8/31. This is where I again make assumptions. Assumption #1 was that he left my stuff and only my stuff. Assumption #2 was that this would be easy enough; I would go down and be in and out in record time.

What should have been a simple trip to Philly turned out to resemble the adventure from hell for more reasons than have to do with E and his choices. W picked me up on Saturday after I got done my morning shift at work. We get two hours into the trip and I get a text message from my boss saying that the sup on site was asking for every able body to get to the units to get on campus because there were MAJOR problems.

I, of course, felt guilty that I wasn’t there to help or closer. I did offer to turn around and go back…lol. The major problems turned out to be a couple of the girls getting into a fist fight with each other.

W and I got down to Philly around 12:30 am. I thought it was going to be easy to get a hotel in Philly. There are a lot of hotels down there. However, it seemed like every place we stopped was either booked up or really expensive. We finally had to settle on a hotel room which cost much more than I had expected to spend on a room because it was 2:30 am and we were both exhausted and starting to snap at each other. Mostly I was doing the snapping and any snapping I received was in response to my snarkiness. We grabbed a quick bite to eat at the diner next door, took advantage of the Jacuzzi in the room, and promptly fell asleep.

We got up at 10 am on Sunday, got showered, checked out, stopped at Starbuck and then Dunkin’ Doughnuts because Starbucks didn’t have any bagels left, and went to the apartment. When I opened the door I was shocked and rather taken aback. I was definitely not ready for what I saw when I walked in. It was a huge mess. So, I spent a little more than eight hours with W and S (who came to help and visit since I was in town and we haven’t seen each other since I moved) bagging up garbage, throwing things away, and sorting out my stuff. We weren’t able to get everything but I think we put a pretty good dent in the disaster. W and I finally hit the road closing in on 8 pm and made it back home around 3 am.

Monday pretty much consisted of catching up on the sleep we missed and needed due to the traveling and getting the apartment packed and cleaned. We got the car unpacked late Monday and I went back to bed to get some sleep for work on Tuesday.

Tuesday started out well. I was at work by 9 am and was acting as “the client” for the restraint class. It was fun and an easy way to make a few extra bucks. Who wouldn’t want to be placed in physical restraint after physical restraint for 6 hours? It also happened that there was an emergency mandatory meeting that I had to attend any way.

The guy who was teaching the restraint class started asking me about whether I would ever switch back to the boys house. I said no because I have found that I much prefer working with girls. Whether it be my personality, my approach with the kids, or the way I communicate things, I just find that I am much more effective with girls than boys. He was quiet for a while and then during one of the breaks when no one else was in the room he told me what the meeting was about. The company had decided to close the girl’s house effective the middle of October. He assured me that I was one of the ones being kept if I wanted to stay.

I am a bit heartbroken over this decision. I have grown rather attached to the girls on the unit. Yes, there are some crazy days where I just want to strangle them but that comes with the job. I love seeing the girls leave because they are being discharged. We don’t know where any of the girls are going yet. The next six weeks are going to the time in which each client’s county will decide what to do with each other the girls, whether they will be discharged home early or put into another placement. Some of the girls will be very hard to place because of their history of violence both on and off the unit.

THEN I get to work yesterday and am told that one of the clients told one of the other staff members about an inappropriate, sexual conversation a male staff member had with her a couple of times at the beginning of this week. So, I spent two hours yesterday talking to this client and finally talking her into giving us the name of the staff member with whom she had these conversations. This is the kid I am most worried about because she literally has nowhere to go except to another placement. Also, I am very concerned about how the news she is getting this afternoon about the unit being closed is going to affect her. She was finally making some real progress and this is going to set her and so many of the others back.

So, I am stressed. I can feel that part of me that needs that physical pain building and building and for those of you who know the feeling it can really add to the stress that I’m already feeling. This all sucks major balls and the resources for my ability to release all of this are very limited which is sort of making me even more frustrated. I am hoping that I can just cry this out and that writing a bunch of this stuff out will help. What I want is someone to just wail on me until I lay there exhausted. However, that’s just not an option at this point in time.

8.20.10

2010-08-20T12:24:00.001-04:00

I am really angry about something that is happening in my personal life.

You ever get in those ruts where it feels like no matter what you can’t do anything right and just can’t win no matter what you do? I have been feeling that way about different things for the last year.

Sometimes I truly feel like I’m just hanging in there by that thin thread we all hold onto for dear life when things just seem to be falling apart around us.

Ok, I over reacted about something. Some news someone gave me about something that directly affects me. I then got into a rather nasty personal attack with this person because either a) I don’t talk about my anger or b) when I can’t just hold it in I explode and just sort of lash out.

The thing is that I’ve been hurt deeply. Usually when I’m hurt badly I avoid the person who hurt me until I get over it. Due to certain circumstances that has been a limited option.

I also tend to take a lot of the responsibility for things when things go wrong. I will even take responsibility for things that aren’t anywhere near my fault. I could go into my therapy discussions as to why this is the way I deal with the world but then this would be a really boring and probably rather rambling post. LOL.

So, I am working on making others take responsibilities for their actions. I do tend to see the world in an idealistic way at times. I see the world through “rose colored glasses” is what I have been accused of in the past. Someone once told me that he couldn’t be with me because I was on a mission to single handedly save the world.

I guess what I have to keep in mind in all of this is that I can’t MAKE someone take responsibility for their actions. All I can do is put it back on them and then leave it at that. If they do or don’t take that responsibility and accountability then that is on them. This is probably one of the biggest lessons I have learned working at my current job.

One of the girls I work with called me over to her one day and read off the passive personality check list. She then looked up at me and said “Ms. Mary, this is you. You need to become more assertive.” For whatever reason that really struck a chord in me and I have actively been working on this. Sometimes I pull it off but right now I still fail more times than I can count. I am not willing to give up though. What kind of role model would I be if I just threw in the towel?

So, last night I attempted to be assertive but it just plain old came across as aggressive. I was pissed about the situation with this person which I am forced to deal with and he was trying to put all the responsibility for our situation on me. It just turned into this “well you did this” text battle which won’t really get either of us anywhere. However, I’m not going to just let people walk all over me anymore. I can’t just be one way at work and another way at home.

Relating this to my submissiveness I do sometimes think I rationalize my doormat status with certain people in my life by saying, well, I’m submissive. I KNOW that there is a difference. I get angry and hurt when I am misused by others. I KNOW people can only treat me the way I let them treat me. I have to take responsibility for that. I have to work on that part of me and change it to be more healthy and assertive. I know one can be assertive and fulfill that submissive part of themselves. I don’t need to be all passive aggressive and let things build up until someone eats my broccoli and now I go on a 3 hour tirade on how everyone just assumes they can help themselves to my stuff because they know I won’t say anything.

I guess the mature thing would be to apologize for my over reaction but still make it clear that this person is accountable and responsible for their actions too. I don’t need to be mean to stand up for myself.

8.16.10

2010-08-16T11:03:00.002-04:00

So, what have I been up to the last 15 days since I last updated my blog?

Well, I went back to work after enjoying a week's vacation. The girls have made a significant turn around lately and the negative behaviors have not been extreme. Mostly what you would expect from almost any teenager. So, we have been able to go for walks and to the park the past couple of weeks as more of the girls have been on positive status and not confined to a desk facing the wall not able to talk to any of their peers.

No spankings for about two weeks now. I can feel that itch building up. I'll have to come up with some creative way to EARN a spanking I suppose.

I have started going to the gym regularly again. Whenever I fall out of the habit I forget how good it feels and how much it helps me keep my moods and obsessive thoughts under control.

I have been doing and feeling better emotionally. The obsessive thoughts have gotten better and I have returned to normal eating again. I have even lost a few pounds the healthy way! I know this is tenuous at best right now and that I need to keep working to improve my self esteem and replace my negative thoughts and coping skills with permanent positive ones. This of course will continue to take time and effort on my part and patience on W's part.

Mostly I have been busy picking up extra shifts at work, going to the gym, playing on the computer, and spending time with W. I wouldn't call my life boring but not a whole lot of adventure going on right now.

Shamelessly plugging a friend's book

2010-08-01T11:11:00.003-04:00

For every book that's sold I'll take ten swats with the implement of your choice.

Depression and sub-drop

2010-08-01T10:08:00.002-04:00

Ok, so guess how long I got away with that stuff I wrote about in the post just before this. LOL.

As I was writing that post W came down the stairs with some implements. He then promptly asked me what I was doing to which I had to reply that I was working on my blog. Of course, he decided he needed to read what I had written right away. He got a chuckle out of it and I got a spanking for it.

We played with my beautiful purple heart wood paddle and my prison strap (neither of them very hard though the paddle harder than the strap). W has surprising good technique with the prison strap for a beginner. I was truly amazed. I had bought that thing when I was with E and stopped letting him use it on me as he would catch me with the edge all the time. My friend Zed is the most amazing spanker I have come across with the prison strap and after he had used it on me it became one of my top five favorites. So, imagine how excited I am that W shows so much promise with his technique with it.

The spanking was nice but not very hard or long and it sort of ended rather abruptly. I ended up developing a moderate case of sub-drop. I then was working my way to having the courage to talk to W about it when he stopped seeming to want to listen to what I was saying. Ok, I was rambling on about some of the things we had done earlier that day with my sister and stuff but I do that so I can think about how to bring up the topic that I really want to talk about. Either way, I ended up feeling even worse.

So, here is a question I was thinking about and any spankees out there who have had similar experiences please comment with some advice. Do you think that if you're already dealing with depression, it can make sub-drop worse? I haven't really dealt with a lot of sub-drop so what is the best way to deal with it when it does happen? Do any of you find it comes in cycles or with certain spankings or with certain times of the month (if you're of the woman persuasion)?

8.1.10

2010-08-01T00:53:00.002-04:00

On Friday W and I were in Walmart. W picked up a package of fat free hot dogs and then flung them dramatically back on the shelf declaring them unfit for human consumption. My response was to tell him to stop acting like a child. W couldn't believe that I would talk to him that way in public. He threatened me with a spanking for my behavior but has yet to carry through with the threat. So, at this time it's been over 24 hours. Let's see how long I get away with that.

Today we went and visited my sister and her family. My brother-in-law loves me and always lets me drive his super cool, fast car. I recently purchased a new car because the Neon took a giant and expensive crap so I traded it in for a Caliber (yes, I'm a Dodge girl). A (the bro-in-law) wanted to check out my car and W went over with him and they were talking and doing guy stuff around the car. I of course, was entertaining my sister with a whispered commentary on how they were engaging in male bonding and when W knelt down in front of the car to look at something I informed her that it meant he was demonstrating his subservience to A.

My sister and I fell into a fit of giggles over this because our maturity always drops about ten years when we're together and A and W stopped playing with the car and became interested in what we were doing. I had just finished the cheese cake my sister provided for our dinner. When W walked over I handed him my empty plate and after he had taken it from me quipped "Take my plate bitch." Which got me that same incredulous look that I had gotten from W as though he couldn't believe I would have the gall to ever do such a thing. I did of course school my sister in the proper technique of popping off to one's significant other after she tried to do what I had just done and her husband simply looked at her and dropped the plate in the grass at her feet and walked away.

W did pop me in the thigh with the piece of silver ware he had in his hand and also threatened me with another spanking for this new behavior. Again, we'll see how long I get away with it before he remembers that he owes me a comeuppance.

7.30.10

2010-07-30T22:17:00.002-04:00

They say laughter is the best medicine. I am definitely in need of a good laugh (not to mentions spanking) or two. Here are some funny things my friend S have sent my way.

One of my favorites stories of all times is Pride and Prejudice. S found this video on Youtube for me which I think is hilarious. You might need to be a fan of P&P to get as much enjoyment out of it as I do. However, I figured I'd share it with all of you any way.

I found this hilarious being a citizen on and off of Western PA back woods country.

Now, I am not a fan of PETA. I'm sure I have a blog about how much I hate PETA and their tactics to use their disgusting propaganda on children with their grotesque comic books. However, I did come across one of their newer ads. Now, I don't necessarily agree with the comment attached with the ad for the "demotivational" poster. I do, though, like the caption and tend to agree with PETA on this particular message.

Finally, people are being truthful about life.

Kathy Lee Gifford needs a spanking

2010-07-29T11:24:00.002-04:00

Tuesday I was sitting in the waiting room of my local Dodge dealership waiting for them to fix the alignment of my newly bought car. They had Good Morning America on TV or one of those other news shows that run in the morning. They kept talking about Mel Gibson who is, apparently, having some personal difficulties regarding an ex-girlfriend and his daughter and a custody battle.

On this particular morning, Kathy Lee and her co-host were playing this tape of Gibson yelling obscenities in some phone message at this ex-girlfriend. They were laughing at the tape and seemed to find general entertainment out of the whole situation.

What if this was one of them involved in this situation? Would they find it so damn funny?

Now, I am not a Gibson fan. I think that poor man has flown off his rocker (based on some of the stuff that has been in the news) for whatever reason. The thing is, I think it's wrong what the media does to some celebrities. They are people too. They deserve some dignity and respect when it comes to their private lives. If all this stuff is really going on in Gibson's life is sounds very stressful and like he needs to get help.

So, I think Kathy Lee Gifford, her co-host and all the other news agents out there needs a sound spanking. Not just over this but every time they smear a celebrity's dirty laundry all over the news.

Recognizing this, I apologize for my comments about Sarah Palin a while back. I'll take my comeuppance from one of you handy dandy Republicans out there if ever the opportunity presents itself.

7.28.10

2010-07-28T13:27:00.002-04:00

Today is W's birthday. I was so excited about it because I love to do stuff for people's birthdays. Yesterday though, W and I talked and it was decided that we couldn't really do what I had planned to do. I was going to take him out to this nice little French restaurant here in town.

So, I got even more depressed than I have been feeling the last few weeks.

I thought about it and realized that I identify myself through the things that I can do and give to people. It's important to me. The fact that I couldn't make my plan happen and that we would spend his birthday at home doing what we do every other day upset me and made me feel like a failure.

This then fed into my feelings of being inadequate at everything I do and reinforced my desire to limit my food that much more. W became increasingly aware that something was wrong and I was finally able to talk to him about it after becoming upset over trying to make plans in our personal lives and hiding in our bed room and balling about it for 15 minutes.

We talked and I tried to explain stuff to him though I know he doesn't understand the way I think or why I think the way I think. He talked me into eating a hamburger (no bun and half of which I fed to the dog when he left the room) and some sugar snap peas (10 which I counted and ate half of at a time chewing each half 30 times).

I was thinking on my own and thinking that I have this need for pain which serves many purposes. I had many of my really bad idiosyncrasies under control from about a month into my Junior year in college until my first husband's and my relationship started to fall apart. The reason for this is because I was in a serious BDSM relationship from my Junior year in college until I met my first husband and my first husband was very much into BDSM and giving me the pain I want and like.

I have all this guilt that I try and control. When I try to control it I draw into myself. When I draw into myself I feel numb. When I feel numb I want to feel something and I can do that through pain either caused by myself or from some outside source. If I can't get it from an outside source the most effective way I have found of controlling that numbness is to be hungry. Then I become proud of myself for my self control and think if I keep this up and truly get control of myself this way then everything else is going to be ok.

So, 1. I need to realize that I don't need to be perfect in everything I do because there is no such thing as perfect. 2. I need to separate spanking from all this other messed up stuff and be able to appreciated spanking (when I get it) for it's own thing.

If I can make this separation I think my relationship with the spankee side of myself will be healthier and it will make working on the other psychological stuff I need to work on that much less confusing. It's just that when I'm being spanked I feel alive and not alone and safe. When I am not being spanked regularly then I start to feel alone and lost and out of control.

Mostly, right now, I am just one big hot mess.

7.27.10

2010-07-27T12:57:00.002-04:00

I'm on vacation. Pretty much that means that I just don't have to go to work for the next 7 days. I have been working a lot of hours at work due to continued under staffing made worse by the fact that one of the newer employees up and quit on us Saturday night. Apparently 3 restraints in one night was too much for him.

I've been struggling with that driving need for spankings and being dominated. W is still in the learning and adjusting phase but has been stepping up to the plate for me more and more. I think our biggest hurdle right now is the difference between his comfort with how much he's willing to give me and just how much I can take.

I am even more frustrated and disappointed that I am going to piss yet another spanking party. I haven't seen many of my spanko friends in many moons and it's going to be even longer now before I get to hang out with them. Stupid low paying job and real life which forces me to pay bills and buy groceries. LOL.

July

2010-07-26T21:35:00.002-04:00

Last July was a turning point for a lot of things for me. I went out and bought a box of sleeping pills and a bottle of wine and intended on using them in tandem. What I ended up doing was taking only two of the pills with two glasses of wine, falling asleep, waking up the next morning, and promptly driving myself to the nearest psychiatric hospital. After confessing my behaviors I was told I wasn't going any where for a while. I went through a couple of therapists and was diagnosed with depression and EDNOS. Both of these things I have battled with on and off since early adolescence.

I've been in therapy for this before but have always quit when I started to feel better thinking I could take over on my own. I would do well for a while, sometimes for years, and then I would slip back into my negative patterns of thoughts and behaviors. I had actually found a therapist I got along with and who I felt understood me but ended up having to stop going due to moving in January.

I have been battling with myself for the past few months. I was doing pretty good for a while but am finding it harder and harder to cope with on my own and know that I need to find help again soon. However, I am having a difficult time locating a therapist who specializes in eating disorders in my area. I won't give up though. I want to stop and I want to get better. I really do. For someone who prides herself on how much self control she has, it's devastating to realize that it's all a lie and that I really don't have control. If I did I wouldn't starve myself for two or three days at a time and try and push everyone around me away because of my thoughts that I'm not good enough and never will be for anyone or anything.

I tried to explain to W today that I feel like if I can ignore the fact that I'm hungry, if I can just reach a certain weight, if I can live off a single type of food for a certain number of days then I feel like I can control other things in my life. I feel like things will fall into place as they should. He couldn't understand and asked me if I understood that this type of thinking is unhealthy.

I know that I'm still very sick. I have only lost over 30 pounds so far (some of it actually in a healthy way thanks to W) since Ed and I separated and I moved back to Western PA. I'd have lost more if W weren't keeping tabs on me. If I were alone I would give in even more to that part of me that tells me to eat nothing but pop corn for the next 48 hours and then nothing but coffee or tea for 24-48 hours after that. I love the days when I have to go to work and work doubles because I have an "excuse" to skip all the meals in the day.

I have been doing some research on my own. I am understanding some of the theory behind the way that I think. I am going to call a therapist in my area tomorrow to find out her comfort level with working with people like me. I am determined to admit that I need a lot of help right now and that I should have started this as soon as I moved here. I want to work on this before I succeed in pushing everyone around me away and get what I'm trying to get right now, which is isolation to in essence disappear both literally and figuratively. That's what I want to do right now.

W has been fighting to refuse to allow me to do that but I have to honestly ask myself how much longer will that realistically last. People can only take so much shit and I can give people a lot of shit. I push them away and refuse to talk to them about anything meaningful. I did that to Ed and look where that got me. While W seems to be more resilient in dealing with me I know it won't last forever. It's got to be exhausting dealing with me when I get the way I get and fight with people about eating or talking or leaving the house.

I dump a lot of stress on myself. I feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do. If I make a mistake I beat myself up over it for days. I obsess about conversations and interactions I have with people and how I could have said this or done this and how stupid I was for not thinking of that in that particular moment. My anxiety is always through the roof and I am plagued by various obsessive thoughts throughout the day. I have been reading about how this could actually be a personality disorder.

It's frustrating to be honest with yourself after trying to convince yourself that you're in control and have it together.

Life at RTF (residential treatment facility)

2010-06-28T23:06:00.003-04:00

My latest job is turning out to be a source of awesome stories. Since I started four months ago, I have accumulated a cadre of crazy stories to share.

The craziest night so far was when two of the girls developed a plan to pull the fire alarm. We have these buzzers on the doors that lead to additional rooms and the staff bathroom. The girls think it's HILARIOUS to open the doors and set the alarms off so that staff have to dig the keys out and shut the alarms off. This one particular night three of the girls continuously opened the alarmed doors in their rooms. Staff were constantly shutting the alarms off and redirecting the girls. Then one of the girls pulled the cover off the fire alarm in her room. Staff got the cover back on and redirected her once again to go sit on her bed and to stop messing with the alarms.

This was like my second week working the floor. The more seniored staff, for whatever reason, left me alone at the top end of the hall which has about 9 girls who room at that end of the the hall (the other end rooms 4 girls). The girls at my end of the hall kept trying to talk to each other across the hall and I kept trying to redirect them to stop. Suddenly one of the girls darted out of her room and tried to run into the room across from her's. That's when the second girl in the room pulled the fire alarm.

At this point another girl ran out of her room and into the room where the alarm was pulled and jumped the girl who had pulled the alarm and started beating the shit out her. Two male staff members went running into the room, pulled the two girls apart and restrained them. Another staff member had to come up and restrain yet another girl who decided to attack the two male staff members. I stood in front of the door of one the more aggressive girls and talked her into taking deep breaths and keeping herself under control.

While all of this is going on, none of us are able to call the authorities and let them know that there really is no fire so now I hear the fire department banging on the door downstairs. I asked the girl I was talking to if she was going to be able to stay in her room and she promised me that she would. I went down stairs and let the three large firemen into the house and let them know that it was a false alarm. They hear this horrible shrieking from upstairs and become concerned. I looked at them and said "It's ok. We really do have this under control." The nice firemen finally went their way and I went back upstairs to help deal with the three restraints and other girls.

That was the craziest night so far and I hope we never try to top it.

Past month of craziness

2010-06-14T13:51:00.001-04:00

It's been a while. I have missed you all. Hope you are all doing well.

I have mostly been busy with work. Working up to 30 hours of over time some weeks. The mental health house I work in has been rather under staffed. We finally have gotten ourselves fully staffed though that may be changing in the next day or two. One of the newest employees is not really cut out for the job and has run and locked herself in the office every time there has been a crisis.

The house was out of control when I first started and we've made a lot of progress. We have had significantly less physical restraints and more clients on positive status than the past few months. This job is fun but very challenging and exhausting. There are definitely highs and lows and sometimes I swear they are connected to the cycles of the moon. Both theirs and the actual lunar cycle.

In the spanking realm the proverbial well has been mostly dry. W and I have been talking a lot about spanking. It's not really his kink and he has been having a tough time understanding where I am coming from with my specific desire for spankings. We do other BDSM related activities but they just don't push the same buttons for me. The activities definitely push buttons just not that spanko specific one.

So, with the stressful job and other things I've been feeling a little wonky lately. However, W is coming around and actually gave me a really hard very nice spanking for getting overly snarky and not stopping when told to do so. I'm sure I'll turn him into a full fledged spanker yet. :D

Yeah, I know...

2010-05-03T11:18:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone! Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been busy trying to get resettled and all that good stuff that comes with a big move.

I don't have much of anything spanking related to speak of though I'm looking forward to seeing all my friends in October barring any major life incidents.

I have been getting settled in my new home which has gone very well. I have also been busy with job hunting and then getting settled into the new job which has been sort of rocky.

I have gone back to working with children with mental health issues. Though this time I'm working with teenagers instead of younger children. Also, I'm dealing more with behavioral issues rather than Autism. So, there have been a lot of changes for me in the last couple of months.

I like my new job because I enjoy working with children. There really isn't much that they can throw at me that I can't take in stride. I've already been bitten (thank goodness I was wearing a sweater that day) and have chased three clients down after they attempted to run away. I get called "fun" names like bitch and one client in an attempt to see if I would lose my temper with her spent and entire day just repeating "fuck you Miss Mary" over and over throughout the entire day. At the end of that day she called me over and asked me if I knew that I looked like a dwarf to which I replied I did and we haven't had any issues since that day.

I have seen my co-workers get so angry at these kids because of the way that they behave. Part of it is that people take their behaviors personally. Most of these kids come from very bad environments and have parents that need help themselves. So, they are going to try and push people away and make people angry so that the world fits the view that they already have of it. When people are nice to them and treat them well they don't know what to do with that.

The thing that is driving me crazy about my job is the number of hours I have been putting in. This is a rather stressful job. Imagine a house full of 13-18 year old girls who don't want to be there and already have severe behavioral issues. It's constant redirection and intervention and until recently multiple physical restraints. So, needless to say I have been rather on the exhausted side working 3 some times 4 double shifts a week because the house has been a little out of control and we are under staffed.

So, nothing really kinky has been happening in my life. W and I are still adjusting and focusing on our vanilla aspect of our lives. Plus I sometimes come home and simply fall into bed and pass out for five hours before I have to get up and go back to work. W has been encouraging me to find a different job because of my lack of ability to say "NO." I have loyalty issues though and it's very difficult for me to actually quit a job. Besides, I really enjoy working with the kids. They are each so different and it's fun interacting with them every day. Plus there is that warm feeling you get when you actually get some where with one of them and they finally get what you have been trying to tell them for the past 8 weeks.

I do try plan to try and keep up with my blog a bit better than I have. At least I'll try not to go 2 months without updating.

DD thoughts clarification

2010-02-03T13:41:00.003-05:00

I am not saying that one person cannot choose to follow old fashioned gender roles. No where in what I wrote did I say anything like that at all. Though rereading through the post below I can see where the point I was trying to make might be unclear. I tend to get something in my mind and just write about it without a whole lot of linear thought. I think that EVERYONE should have the ability to follow their desires OUTSIDE of the gender roles.

It's extremely important for someone outside of a particular group to speak up about the way that particular group chooses to live when those choices infringe upon the rights of that outside person. For example, because this country calls itself a "Christian country" despite that wonderful clause in the constitution which says otherwise, laws are created and enforced based on Christian morals.

As an atheist I find this both offensive and an infringement upon my own rights to live my life that way I want to. I can't be as open about my spankoness (and other alternative sexual practices) as I would like because there are laws based on Christian sexual morality that say I can't. There are also laws that say I can only have one husband at a time which is based on Christian monogamy. Politicians run their campaigns based on religious ideals. Entire groups of people discriminate against other groups of people based on their religious beliefs.

So, yes, there are times when it's appropriate for an outside to speak up and speak out against the belief systems of another group of individuals. Why do you need to put Christian in front of something just to feel ok about it? You should feel ok about it because it fits in your life and doesn't harm others. There is this phenomenon within the spanking community that some people need to qualify what they do with the fact that what THEY do isn't as bad as what those BDSMer's do. When people stick Christian (or Muslim or Jewish etc.) in front of something they try to make themselves feel less guilt by saying "God says it's ok and this is the way we should live." Instead what they should be doing is pointing out that they aren't infringing on anyone else's rights so what is so wrong about the choices they have made for themselves?

I prefer to follow old fashioned gender roles (to a certain extent). It's where I feel at home within myself and within my relationship. I like being submissive and doing little domestic things to try and make my partner comfortable and happy. I don't feel threatened just because I can't get the freaking lid off the mayo jar and need to ask my partner to do it for me. However, just as I prefer to define my femininity in this way I feel each of us should be allowed to define our femininity or masculinity in our own way. We shouldn't be afraid to make a choice to live a certain way because we're going to be ridiculed for not being man or woman enough. We should each be free to define ourselves as we are and not as we are expected to be by some political or religious group who wants control of our society.

DD thoughts

2010-02-03T08:00:00.002-05:00

I get domestic discipline (DD). I like DD. DD has a place in a relationship for me though I generally do an excellent job being harder on myself than anyone else. I do, however, have a problem with “Christian” domestic discipline.

Yes, I’m going to attack your baby Jesus again.

I have a problem with social assigned gender roles. I am probably going to go off on a tangent here but follow me and I’ll come back to what I was originally thinking when I sat down to write this blog post. I have the same problem with feminism that I have with “Christian” DD. Feminists (no, not all of them, yes, I’m being general) prescribe a specific way for women to behave. Women now have to be independent, multitaskers (mothers, wives, and in the workforce), and desire to be dominant over men. Well, that’s what it seems like any more anyway. The Christian faith (and yes I am going to over generalize to groups like evangelists) prescribe women’s behavior as submissive and quiet and unobtrusive.

When groups limit and prescribe women’s behavior, they also limit and prescribe men’s behaviors. This I feel is as oppressive to men as it is to women.

I think in certain circles DD gets a bad rap all around. Some people assume that someone who practices DD, in particular the person in the submissive/bottom role is incapable of controlling their own behavior. This is so untrue in most situations. It’s a major step to engage in a DD relationship. You are admitting that there are things that you realize are unhealthy behaviors or habits and you want help working on them. It is easier to change a behavior or thought process when you are held responsible by another person.

DD takes courage because it takes being critical with yourself and being honest about what you see and allowing others access to your insights about yourself. This is a very vulnerable position in which to put one’s self. It is not a position or a choice to be ridiculed and put down. I see so often on some of the discussion boards to which I belong that people belittle those who make the choice to live a DD lifestyle. They see them as being needy or weak when that is farthest from the truth.

I do have a problem though with prescribed gender roles within the community of both spanking and DD. It seems more acceptable for women to ask to be spanked to change behavior but men don’t get the same respect. In my opinion, this is wrong. I also have huge issues with the disdain which is often visited upon male subs within the spanking community. We have reached the year 2010. We should be able to see past assigned gender roles and understand that different people have different needs and different desires beyond whether they are male or female.

Bondage thoughts

2010-02-02T16:10:00.001-05:00

After the weekend I just had I considered briefly writing a rant about how ignorant some people can be about how their actions affect those around them. However, after having time to calm down I decided that you my reader would much prefer a discussion about bondage. So, that is what you’re getting.

I enjoy bondage. I more than enjoy it. It’s at the top of my list of ten things I love to do.

There is a certain amount of psychological freedom that comes with being on the receiving end of bondage. Of course, that’s the only position from which I can speak as I have never tied anyone up and had my way with them. That’s not all that appealing to me. It doesn’t push my buttons. I much prefer being the one tied up and having things done to me.

Psychologically speaking, you can tell yourself that you HAVE to endure what is being done to you because you can’t get away. It’s an ability to become someone or something else. Tied to a bed or tied standing up open to the dominant person with whom you are playing. You are vulnerable, at that other person’s “mercy.” You can sink into your own head and turn yourself over body and mind to another person. It’s very freeing. You aren’t responsible any more. In a way, you can cease to exist as yourself you can be not you for a little bit. Escape all that stresses you out, get away from all the demands that life and others put on you in other parts of your life. You are simply existing and feeling.

I like that physical feeling that comes with bondage. The rope being wrapped around wrists, ankles, waist, and/or breasts. The bite of the rope into the skin. It’s all intoxicating and sends me to that special place in my brain where I yearn for that exchange of power with another person I trust. The physical feelings from bondage enhance the psychological aspect for me. It’s like a very real representation of what is going on in my head. Being tied down or tied up is being free from responsibility of life and demands placed on you by these responsibilities. At lease for a short period of time.

You can also get this feeling of security from being tied up. There can be this feeling of safety and security. You’re tied up tight, you can’t get away, you’re with someone you can trust who won’t let anything bad happen to you. You can trust the person you are being tied up by in a way that you may not be able to trust many other people in your life.

I like bondage because of the physical aspect that it brings to a scene. Whether it is a spanking or more intense BDSM scene, it’s a representation of the moment and of my submissiveness.

Frustrated

2010-01-27T11:33:00.001-05:00

This whole job hunting this is really increasing my frustration level. I lost my unemployment and at the present time have no income what so ever. I was offered a job in a call center making minimum wage but my first paycheck wouldn’t be until the end of February. I have to go through a week of training and if I complete that week of training, then I get a 180 dollar training bonus with my first paycheck which I would receive on February 24^th.

I interviewed today for a higher paying job working in human services. However, I was told today that orientation doesn’t start until the 15^th of February which means that I wouldn’t get the first paycheck for that job wouldn’t be until the end of February beginning of March.

You know that spanking I have been jonsing for? Yeah, that has intensified 20 fold. I am so utterly and completely frustrated with this situation right now that it’s ridiculous. I need to catch a break. I know I will and that things will get better. It’s just that right now everything looks rather bleak and hopeless.

I really hope that I get the job I interviewed for today. It’s a job in my field (psychology) and it pays more than the call center/telemarketing job. I’ll be working with troubled youth and I enjoy doing that. I love trying to help people make a difference in their lives and realize that they do have the power to reach their full potential.

I am also praying that the little bit of money I have in the bank lasts till I finally get an income again. Along with my own bills, I still have an obligation to Siege to help him with the rent from the apartment we had together. Though I am sure he will be understanding until I get a job.

I need to cry and I can’t. I don’t want to be weak. I have been through worse and there are people and families out there who have it WAY worse than I do. It’s something you have to keep in mind when it feels like your world is crashing down around your ears so that you don’t feel sorry for yourself all the time.

Thinking about DD stuff

2010-01-26T16:27:00.001-05:00

Ever since I was in my late teens I always fantasized about finding a boyfriend/husband/partner who could and would keep me in line. I think part of that is because of how much I like and need to please the people around me. Being punished allows me to understand what I did wrong, why it was wrong, and think about ways of making a better choice the next time I am presented with that situation.

I can only speculate that this desire also plays off my control issues. I need to be in control of me as much as possible. This sort of makes discipline in my life almost non-existent because I am so very much in control of myself. I work hard to be aware of every behavior, choice, and wording so as not to harm those around me as much as possible.

So, in a relationship I don’t need rules like no speeding or no staying up late. The issues that I do have, sharing my feelings and being somewhat self harming aren’t really behaviors that should be controlled with a spanking relationship. These are things that I need the help of a professional to work on and resolve.

How does one incorporate DD into one’s life when there really is no need for it? The thought of the potential is there and enough to keep me even more in line. I hate serious discipline spankings. I am almost always crying even before it starts. Siege and I only ever had one rule which eventually wasn’t stuck to as time passed. That was that I had to speak up when I was upset with something.

I can be very difficult to live with in that respect. I hold on to my anger and frustration with other people. I don’t let them know when I am upset over something they did or said. I pretend everything is fine and go on with my day. This is usually because I tell myself that they didn’t mean it and that my getting upset over it is not worth hurting their feelings and making them feel bad because they hurt my feelings. I know how guilt ridden I become if I even SUSPECT that I hurt someone’s feelings. I want to save others from that same level of guilt and self-loathing so I don’t say anything.

Did you ever get a rule or start a new DD relationship and “test the waters?” I want to know that someone is going to be consistent. I need to know that because it makes me feel safe I guess. If I know I can get away with the things I want to get away with, I start to lose respect for the DD aspect. If that is the only form of dominance in my relationship I sometimes feel lost or like I’m just floating around. I NEED my partner to be more dominant than me at home. Someone who follows up and checks on the rules that we have set to make sure I am holding up my end of the agreement.

Now of course this doesn’t mean that I’m looking for a bully or someone who controls my every move. Anyone who knows me knows just how self aware I am and how in control of myself I am. This includes taking that control to an almost harmful level which I am working on with my therapist. I don’t need someone to tell me what to wear or when to go to bed or anything like that. I do need rules about not being so critical and harsh on myself, being communicative with those around me in a respectful and open manner, and being healthy.

These are things which I have a hard time dealing with on my own because I control them to such an extent that it has a sometimes negative effect on myself. Obviously there is a point where this SHOULDN’T be dealt with through a DD relationship or at least not with a DD relationship exclusively. I have to be responsible to myself and my mental and physical health both things which I have failed with periodically throughout my past.

So, there is this thing that I want that I really don’t need. I think it may be more the personality or the attitude that I am looking for in my partner. This older man, Max, with whom I had an affair had it and I still joke that he ruined me for everyone else. He just had this innate ability to read me and know what I needed and when I needed it. Whether that was rough, aggressive, alpha male or a more quiet and patient type of dominance.

My ED never once reared its ugly head during that time. I felt good about me and my ability to survive the world and the things that I had seen and experienced to date. I would walk away from a session feeling like I could accomplish anything. It kept my head clear and I always wanted to take care of myself because I felt like someone loved me enough to take care of me. I know there is something wrong with this way of thinking but right now I am not seeing it very clearly.

On being perfect

2010-01-23T00:57:00.000-05:00

A fellow blogger recently wrote about perfectionism. It got me thinking because there was one sentence that she wrote that really struck home with me. I have been thinking a lot and writing some about my own realization of perfectionism in relation to my eating disorder.

I constantly have these thoughts about how I need to always be better, a better friend, sister, daughter, and person in general. When I have these thought they always relate back to food. This is something that I have really come to realize in the very recent present and have been tackling both in therapy and on my own.

I do have this thought that I need to be perfect and hold myself to standards that “normal” people probably think insane. However, I do need to admit that I desire others to have these same expectations for themselves but think that they would never be able to do it. I think in a way this both allows me to rationalize my own perfectionism (I can be a role model) as well as feel good about myself. I work toward and with enough work achieve a level of satisfaction and feeling of superiority.

I know that’s wrong. But it’s one of those dirty little secrets of mine. I sometimes enjoy feeling superior to the general population and I enjoy denying myself food and other things to reach that feeling of superiority. These things make me feel as though I am working to be the best person that I can be and, in a very removed sort of way, improve my little part of the world.

This way of thinking is one of the behaviors that feed into the cycle that feed my food issues. I want to be the best, I like feeling as though I am achieving something others can’t or won’t, I feel as though I am doing thing by controlling my food, and so I control my food. I get the results that I want and it reinforces my thoughts which reinforces my behaviors.

As a behavioral/cognitive psychologist I realize that I need to change my thoughts to change my behaviors and changing my behaviors will in return help change my thoughts. This of course is the hard part and where one struggles the most when trying to change an unhealthy thought or behavior. I need to realize that I don’t NEED to be perfect. No one can be perfect no matter how hard they try. In fact, you become even more not perfect by trying so hard to BE perfect.

Jonsing

2010-01-22T21:09:00.000-05:00

For the last week or so I have been jonsing for a spanking. I have been feeling that “funk” that you get when you know you need one but either don’t have the resources available to get one or don’t know how to ask for it. My problem is the former though the latter does play a role to some extent.

I am with a non-spanko (plus there are other factors that I’m not going to go into right now) and don’t really feel comfortable right now asking him to give me something I am not sure he will be comfortable with giving me. W has spanked me before but if any of you know the headspace I’m in right now understand the intensity of the spanking that I am craving. What I need right now is long and intense, more than likely to the point of releasing pent up emotions.

The spankings to date that I have received from W have both been very short and very light compared to my usual level of play. I am not complaining in any way. I appreciate the spankings that W has given to me and appreciate even more his willingness to explore that with me because it’s my kink.

However, I have been overly frustrated with trying to find a job (among other issues that I have been dealing with). We all know how well I deal with my emotions and I have been swallowing this frustration for a while. Now, I am all squirrely and have that pressure that tells me I need to let something out. That is the role spanking has almost always played for me ever since I got into the lifestyle thirteen years ago.

I have felt this way before and been unable to get a spanking. It will pass with time but it’s a further frustration because there are those…things…that are hard to let go outside of that, what is for me, safe haven.

On a lighter and more entertaining note, I was in a kitchen store with W today. I found and plan to buy a HUGE wooden spoon. This thing had to be close to two feet long. I of course will be obtaining this wonderful new toy before October. :D I know a few fellow spankees who will benefit from a session or two with this beauty. I of course will be as far away from the wicked thing as I can while still able to take pictures for all my avid readers.

I did buy a much smaller wooden spoon with holes to add to my collection. That should tell you how badly I am in need of a good hard spanking. Wooden spoons are number 2 on my list of most hated implements. Not enough surface area coverage for my liking. Going into a kitchen supply store in my state of mind is like taking an alcoholic to a wine and spirit store. I saw temptation EVERYWHERE!!

Don’t worry though. Once I get settled into my job and get some money put away for my trip in October I will be stocking up on interesting implements. I wouldn’t let any of my fellow spankos down. Everyone needs a two foot long wooden spoon right?

Randoms spanking thoughts

2010-01-05T08:55:00.002-05:00

I remember before I was 12 I had a fascination with spanking. This fascination was pointed at both getting spanked and watching others get spanked. There were friends that we would have over who would want to play school and we would take turns spanking each other for getting into trouble. I remember that I never wanted to be the teacher or the principal. I always wanted to be a student, sometimes the one that got into trouble, other times the one watching others get into trouble.

There was this kid in my elementary school that was always getting into trouble. One day he got into big trouble for something. We were in the fourth grade or so. The teacher had to call the principal down to the classroom. The principal was this big bear of a man with a white mustach and a very severe look to him. I was so afraid of him and never wanted to end up in his office or see him coming down the hall to the classroom with that big wooden paddle in his hand. The teacher, the principal, and this particular student all went across the hall together to an empty room that was used for the remedial classes. I can still see this student bending over and the teacher placing her hands gently on the student's shoulders to help steady him and hold him in place.

He got three, what seemed to me to be, hard whacks with that wicked looking paddle. I remember wondering what it would have been like to be him but never having the courage (or having the intelligence) not to do anything to end up on the receiving end of that thing. Interestingly, today, my favorite implements are wood. But, I digress.

I clearly remember being terrified the few times I was doomed to being spanked by my father. In fact, I would become so terrified that there was at least one time when I peed my pants before the spanking even started. How does one go from that to this? Being turned on and intellectually fascinated with all things spanking? Of course my tastes go beyond spanking but for this post I'm going to stick to how much spanking really plays a part in my life. I think about it...A LOT.

I don't think I would call it an obsession. I can live without it (though I prefer not to). I can have perfectly normal vanilla sex (though I prefer not to). I don't think about it 24/7 but it's there in the back of my mind. Waiting till I have some time to devote to what I wish would happen to me at some later time.

When I first began to experiment with spanking it was about the pain and the physicality of the thing. I reveled in the sensations that I got from being spanked. Laid over someone's knee or tied down on the bed. The arm across the back or the feel of ropes around wrists and ankles. It was about feeling something that I had never felt before. It was about transforming pain into something else.

Then it came to be a power of wills between me and someone else. A way to create that transformation of power in a safe and secure place. Something that both frightened and fascinated me because of my past with my mother. The more I played the more power I wanted to give over to someone else for a period of time. I grew confident that I could do that and I would get it back and be able to return to my "other" life.

That's how it was in my late teens and early twenties. A separate part, a separate place in my life. It was something that I ran off and did on the weekend. It hadn't completely rooted within my being and become a part of who I am. I would have to say that my play partner Max played a significant role in planting that seed in which I would want to expand my interests in spanking and embrace it as a part of ME and my life.

There is still that physicality piece, still the reveling in the sensations of the thing. However, now I have become much more fascinated in the psychology and the rituals of spanking. How a person's attitude, approach, and personality can change a particular scene or bring something more. There are different types of spankos who bring different attributes to a scene and fulfill different needs and desires depending on where my mind is at that moment.

There are people who are like I was. It's mostly about the physical aspect. Having someone over the knee. Engaging in the actual act of spanking. Everyone stays in the moment for what it is. There really isn't a whole lot of "transportation" of the psyche for either person involved. It's two people, usually friends or aquaintances at a spanking party laughing and having a good time over a friendly good natured spanking. Everyone has a different name for these individuals. I prefer social spankos. Sometimes they just call themselves spankers or spankees.

Then there are people who turn spanking into a way to connect with people on a deeper or different level. These individuals often turn spanking into a ritual. They are good at interjecting psychology (sometimes unconsciously) into a scene. "Place your hands here. If you move you get more." I love that stuff. You can either test them or yourself, depending on your mood. I love to test someone to find out whether or not they are going to be consistent in a scene. Something that has come to be very important to me. I need to know that expectations are going to be backed up or upheld. I don't want to know that I can get away with unacceptable behavior. I need to be held accountable and responsible. Safe in a way because I know that I'm not going to get out of control.

Finally there are people who have the ability to turn spanking or spanking scenes into an art form. These individuals (and by individuals I mean Tops/Dominants) have the ability to transport me to another world. Now, this is something that I have learned to be able to do on my own to some extent. But to be sent there by another person's presence and/or actions is beauty. It's like working with a safe cracker. They know how to work the combination to get to the hidden compartments within me and steal the treasure waiting inside. There is a presence that they have even outside of a spanking scene that is intoxicating and luring. Being dominant is who they are not who they become during a specific scene.

There is something great about all three of these spanko types. Sometimes you don't want a deep and intense scene or spanking. You just want to assist the master minds in drawing on a bald man's head and engage in the ensuing wrestling match where all involved are soundly spanked after the Tops untangle the mass of limbs and deal with each guilty party in turn. Other times you want to get in touch with those dark areas within yourself that you might be too intimitated to admit to in the day light.

Spanking and being submissive has become an ingrained part of who I am. I don't know why and I probably never will. I don't really think it matters though it drives my need to understand myself completely to distraction. Sometimes you just have to try to accept yourself for who you are and find a way to fulfill all parts of yourself in the healthiest way possible.

Hunger

2010-01-04T13:36:00.002-05:00

I found this amazing therapist right before I left Philly. I am hoping that I can find a new therapist equally as amazing here in Western PA.

When I was in my late teens I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. I saw a therapist and worked through some things I was dealing with at that time. But it never completely went away. A part of me didn't want it to. It has been sort of like a security blanket for me. A way that I can control the world around me when everything seems to be in utter chaos.

I would have "episodes" throughout the years from the time I was 16 through to the present. They never were as bad as when I was 16/17 though and I would deal with my thoughts and feelings on my own. Either by giving into the rituals or working to stomp my demons into some sort of submission on my own. I never actively sought a therapist until this past summer.

This past year the forces inside my head that tell me that I'm not good enough for (among other things) anything were louder than they have been for several years. That's one of the factors that drove me to enter the hospital when I did and to actively seek out a therapist who wasn't as crazy as I was. The therapist the hospital assigned me to was an utter whack job and I quit going to her after about 4 weeks of seeing her. I probably should have written a complaint to the agency she works for as well as the APA but I have enough on my plate right now without getting into a battle of ethics with that woman.

So, I went in search of a therapist that I would get along with better and found this awesome (though expensive) art therapist. I only saw her for four weeks and would love to bottle her and bring her with me as I am relocating. She has made me question some of the things I tell myself about me as well as my issues with food. She made me look at my relationship with myself and how I approach eating or not eating. I have a long way to go and I hope I find a job with good insurance soon. However, with some of the things she gave me I know I at least have a toe on the right path.

In the last couple of weeks the "voice" has been quiet. I haven't been abusing myself silently as much and have let go of some of my rituals and restrictions on food. Instead, I am trying to focus on keeping healthy foods around and not obsessing on what, when, where, and how I am going to eat something. Thoughts that would consume much of my day when I was in that dark place that would consume me for hours on end.

Happy New Year

2010-01-03T09:40:00.004-05:00

I have to admit that I am 100% happy that last year is over. That was a rather rough year for me. First with getting laid off and struggling for the last 8 months to find a decent job. Now, I know I am not alone in this situation but it really got to me and played a major role in the depression I have been battling throughout the year as well. Then December saw my decision to end my marriage and move back to Western PA.

I wonder what this year has in store for me. I could be prophetic and disappoint many of you with the knowledge that there won't be many spanking posts. Who knows though, that may change.

My spanking related goal for this year is to be able to attend the SSC with all of my friends. I had to miss that last year and was totally bummed out. I am 99% certain that I am not going to be attending FMS though.

My New Year's resolution is to eat healthy and stick to an exercise schedule during the week. Something I always start off doing well but usually slowly start to abandon as the year goes on. I do have a few things to help me stick to it this time. I am living with W and learning Jiu-jitsu from him. I also am looking forward to starting my own belly dance ATS troupe. I had to stop taking classes because of moving away from Philly but I did find a new studio close to where I am living now. The cues will probably be different but I shouldn't have too much trouble picking them up.

A lot of what happens this year will depend on my attitude and approach. If I go into this year with a poor me attitude and focus on all the shit that happened last year nothing is going to change. I need to go out and find the job that I want and show them how awesome I am so that I can move up in the ranks. I need to focus on what's important to me and get in shape and change my attitude toward food. I need to stop looking at all the shitty stuff that has happened and pay attention to what I can do to make my life the way that I want it. This is the year that I find my voice and make people give me what I want and need. Easier said than done, I'm such a chicken...lol.

I hope you all have a happy new year. What are your new year's resolutions and how do you plan to keep them?

Making decisions

2009-12-05T16:30:00.002-05:00

I have to make a decision. It's a hard decision. It's something that I have been thinking about for awhile now. Like all decisions, this decision affects more than just me.

It takes me a long time to make a decision. I have to think it through and think it through and then think it through one more time. I run every possible scenario through my mind. Weigh the pros and cons of every possible choice that could be made.

How do you know you've made the right decision? Sometimes you don't know you've made the right decision until you've made a decision and have experienced the ramifications of that decision. Sometimes you make what you're absolutely sure is the right decision and find out a bit down the line that you should have chosen the other path. So, can you ever really know you've made the right decision until you've lived through the consequences of what ever decision you do make.

I feel like I've pretty much made up my mind about the situation but question whether I am making the right choice or not.

PETA knows no boundaries

2009-12-04T09:34:00.002-05:00

When I was in college, I was a women's studies major and a self proclaimed feminist. I also happened to be a vegetarian. This was a choice I made because I prefer vegetables and fruit to meat. I can easily live without meat. I did not make this choice because I feel bad for animals. Though I would joke with my meat eating friends and tease them about eating a poor defenseless animal to which they would respond by enthusiastically enjoying their meal of death even more.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think that animals should be tortured. They should be killed as humanely as possible. But if you want to chew on Bessie the cow because she tastes good to you and meets some primal need in yourself to kill and eat something, knock yourself out. I haven't been a vegetarian for years any way. I too enjoy a good Bambi burger with sauteed onions and mushrooms.

Anyway, while I was in this particular college self discovery phase, another student who was also a woman's studies major/feminist/vegetarian assumed that I was a vegetarian because I was also an animal rights activist. She came to me one day on campus and said that she had found out from our W.S. professor that I was a vegetarian and that as a feminist I had a moral obligation to protect the rights of animals as well and she was glad that I was with her on this. That was my first red flag that this girl was off her rocker. She proceeded to tell me about this organization called PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and gave me a pamphlet. I was polite and talked with her for a bit and then found and excuse to go on my way.

The pamphlet looked innocent enough but I wanted to learn more about PETA. I quickly found out that this was an organization of nutters and insane people. They are a very radical group of individuals who take their vegetarianism and animal rights activism to extreme lengths. The more I found out about them the more appalled I became that these people thought they were on some kind of moral high ground with their behavior.

This is one of the first little jems of theirs that I found. If it wasn't bad enough that they are known to throw red paint on people who wear fur, they have no qualms about passing this propaganda out to your children:

While I was looking for the Mommy comic I came across a new jem of theirs. Daddy's kill animals too you know:

Sex sells, apparently it also works for trying to recruit new vegetarians/vegans:

'Veggie Love': PETA's Banned Super Bowl Ad

How about some religious images?
(btw, the catholic church is pppiiissseeedddd about this one)

I am not a big fan of extremists no matter what the message they are trying to spread. I have no problem with PETA's underlying message. I don't like to think that animals are being treated poorly in name of putting food on my plate either. If this is happening then there should be tougher laws and regulations to assure that all animals are treated humanely including the ones we use for sustenance.

I do have a problem with some of the ways PETA goes about their agenda. I understand getting them young but I would be PISSED if I found out that my child was given either of the above comic books. That would be like me walking into a church and handing out pamphlets that quote Niche "God is dead" with a picture of a old man with a white beard lying on the ground with a spike through his heart. It's wrong on so many levels.

I do find the newest ads geared towards adults rather entertaining. Who can blame them for using what works (especially with men between the ages of 18-27) which is, I'm sure, their demographic for the newest set of nakes spokes models.

All I'm saying PETA, don't just be ethical to animals.

Oh, and cuddle with stuffed animals.

Maybe, if they had a cow spanking one of these hot girls you'd find more vegetarian/vegan spankos. I think I'll send them the tip.

Public Service Message of the Day

2009-12-02T09:43:00.002-05:00

I came across this and thought it was at a level of awesomeness that I couldn't keep to myself.

End world hunger and get all the pussy, not a bad deal right?

12.1.09

2009-12-01T11:07:00.002-05:00

I wonder how much my need/desire to be dominated has to do with my mother. Well, not just my mother, my father too.

I know, I know. How very Freudian of me.

Really though. I grew up with two rather domineering and dominating parents. That's what I'm comfortable with, that's what I know.

I feel safe and loved when I am being dominated. I feel protected and wrapped up in the arms of caring and concern all while being spanked or whipped or tied up and dominated in a variety of ways.

I am not saying I don't enjoy it or that I want to change this aspect of my life. I just have had these revelations lately about my relationship with both my parents really. I have always made excuses for my mother and looked at my father through rose colored glasses.

He wasn't a bad father by any means. He did the best he could in my opinion. It's just that he's not the saint I make him out to be in my mind. It's understandable though why I see him as my savior. He rescued me from my mother's abuse. He wrapped me in a cocoon for a while as I healed and adjusted to life with him. Of course there are events in our life together that he could have handled differently. Anyone can say that of any parent though. Parenting is a constant learning process with mistakes made along the way. That's what makes us who we are and able to cope with our own mistakes when we make them as we're growing (provided our parents handle their own mistakes properly).

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. - Michel de Montaigne

2009-11-30T23:29:00.003-05:00

If someone asked you why you love the person/people you love how would you answer that?

Ed and I have talked about whether or not you can choose the people you love. I, with my control issues, originally said that yes, you could choose who you love. However, I now understand that you can't choose who you love.

When presented with a question of why I love who I love I could tick of the mundane list of positive attributes that the other person possesses. Yet, this isn't WHY I love that person. Those are simply the aspects which make it tolerable for me to be around or live with them.

Rather I think you come to love someone based on the experiences you share with them. There is a connection that forms that doesn't form with other people. Love seems to be this intense and sometimes irrational feeling that you develop for another person which causes you to want to be in their presence all the time. Deep love makes you want to form a deeper relationship with them beyond lust and friendship. It often leads to marriage or a bonding so strong that it is hard to destroy because even when things get touch you just can't give up.

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together. - James H. Boren

2009-11-29T11:22:00.003-05:00

Working on your marriage is like riding a roller coaster. One minute you're way up at the top of the hill and then all of a sudden you're hurtling toward the ground, screaming, wondering if you're going to crash into the earth that is coming up quickly to meet you.

It is so easy to let the little things go in the day to day management of two people's relationship. It can be too easy to sit in two different spots in the same room and simply co-exist together. It becomes to easy to take each other for granted.

Remember to keep doing the little things for each other. He zips up her dress for her. She fixes his tie for him. This is when you should look into each others' eyes and remember why you love each other.

This goes for all couples. Whether you choose marriage or not. It's so important to remember to respect each other and appreciate the little things you do for each other in day to day life.

I hope to work on this and always keep this in mind with the men I have meaningful, romantic relationships with in my life. I love you and if you aren't feeling appreciated or special to me let me know so that I can fix it.

Spanked for self-pity

2009-11-28T09:33:00.002-05:00

As you know (if you are one of my loyal minion followers), I have been battling a major bout of depression. I quit my first therapist because she was very judgmental and it was very uncomfortable and awkward to talk to her. So, after two months I stopped going and went in search of a new therapist. I did find one and think that this will work out better than the last one. I have actually decided to take the art therapy route because it's very difficult to talk about some things from my past. I have only seen her a couple of times but things have already come out in my art that I have been unable to verbalize in more traditional therapy.

Part of my depression is obsessive self-defeating thoughts which I try not to give voice to because I don't want people to know just how crazy I am. However, I was visiting W last weekend (a lovely and wonderful visit it was) and we were engaged in a heart to heart discussion. In the course of this discussion, I divulged my obsessive thought that people don't really like me, they just are nice to me because they feel sorry for me. Rationally I know this isn't true. However, when in the grip of mental illness one does not always think clearly or rationally.

W refuses to tolerate self-pity. He felt that I deserved a spanking for my comment. So, he grabbed the baby strap that I brought with me and gave me several swats with the thing. It was a relatively light spanking but I still understood what he was trying to get across. There are so many people who like/love me for me. It's something that's far to easy for me to forget when I'm wrapped up in my own self-defeating thoughts.

Thank you W for loving me because of who I am and for not putting up with my shit.

Tough love? or Abandonment?

2009-11-02T10:31:00.002-05:00

My little brother turned 16 today. Two days ago I called him and told him that I wanted to help him but that there wasn't anything I could do for him until he was ready to be helped and that I was angry at him for his not taking responsibility for his own actions.

J got himself kicked out of his school. Children and Youth came in and will be placing him in a day program for troubled youths. The public school he has been attending no longer wants to deal with his issues so they are forcing him out. He refuses to do his work, sleeps in class, refuses to participate in gym class, and now he's taken to wandering the halls rather than going to class.

I became so angry at my mother about this whole situation that I haven't been able to talk to her in the two weeks since she gave me the news. My mother has a severe disability in which she is unable to accept responsibility for any of her actions including her abuse of my sister and me. My mother chooses work over her own children. She is a very dismissive mother and has always seemed to lack the ability to provide appropriate emotional support.

She made my sister feel so unloved and wanted that my sister acted out. When D acted out my mother said "See, you ARE a horrible daughter just like I thought" and placed her in the foster care system because she didn't want to deal with any of D's issues. Toward me she was particularly physically as well as mentally abusive. She would hit me on a regular basis and threaten to shot me or herself while I watched.

Now, my brother is acting out in the much the same way my sister acted out. He simply doesn't care about his future because he doesn't feel loved and cared for by our mother. I am not saying that he is completely innocent in this situation because he is now 16 years old and could think about his actions more. The problem is that she doesn't teach him to do that. She emotionally abandons us and then turns around and uses our behaviors as vindication for not wanting to deal with us. She is now threatening my little brother with the same thing she did to my sister, pass him on to the system and let them deal with the mess she has made.

I want to help my brother. My sister and I feel that the best thing for him is to come and live with one of us and D and I would have shared custody of him. Our goal is to try and undo some of the psychological damage my mother has done to him and get him through high school. However, he's not ready to take responsibility for himself or his future. He's being 16 years old and likes not doing his work and messing around in school and still going out and doing whatever he wants. He knows my sister and I will have some tough rules he'll have to follow and expectations he'll have to meet.

So, two days ago I pretty much told J that I was angry at him and mom both because while she has a lot of responsibility to claim in this situation he is now 16 years old and needs to learn that his actions have consequences. He does not want to come and live with D or I at this time. I told J that I can't keep making myself sick and chasing after him trying to save him when he refuses to be saved with some of the choices he makes.

I am experiencing a lot of guilt over the conversation I had with him because I feel that it's my responsibility to save the world. In particular I should be able to save one 16 year old boy.

The Voice

2009-10-27T10:41:00.002-04:00

I have a Voice that I developed some where around 13 that speaks inside my head. Sometimes this Voice is very loud and other times I am able to ignore it and rationalize that what it's saying isn't true. This Voice is very cruel though and when I am battling depression I sometimes tell myself that what the voice is saying is the truth and that I need to take the criticism seriously. The Voice convinced me to embrace Ana when I was 15.

I have a love hate relationship with both the Voice and Ana. Rationally, I know that it's not a healthy way to exist. However, when my life is out of control and I feel like I am failing at everything Ana helps me feel empowered and like I can get through whatever is going on. I have been "recovered" for more than ten years. However, it's an on going battle that has had it's ups and downs.

Ana isn't a solution for anything though. She comes in and destroys your life, your body, and your self-esteem. She's probably the biggest bitch you've ever met. Though she tries to lull you into believing that she's your friend.

At the same time though, you want to be alone with her, embrace her, let her make you feel safe and cared for because you don't feel any of these things. If you can control your body the way she wants you to then you can control the rest of your life and strive toward perfection even though you know you can never reach it. Still you tell yourself, five more pounds and I'll be perfect.

It's a heady thing that feeling of power that comes from feeling your stomach eating itself from hunger and denying yourself relief. Today I bought lamb, pasta, and sauce because I especially love to cook when I am like this. There is this obsession with food that starts. I love to manipulate it, play with it, cook it, look at it but not eat it. All I want to do right now is cook Ed food and know that he's enjoying it and know how delicious he thinks it tastes.

I have to write this and post it because I know the worst thing I can do right now is let her be inside me where she wants to be. If I force her out into the open she starts to lose her power and the hold she has with the Voice. They both tell me how terrible I am and how unworthy of love and kindness and caring I am because of how much I disgust others. It's so hard right now not to listen to them and wrap myself in Ana's arms where I feel I belong.

Depression thoughts

2009-10-15T10:58:00.003-04:00

I know I was working on the alphabet thing but I haven't been keeping up with it and we're already half way through October. So, I'm going back to just rambling on about whatever pops into this messed up head of mine. Maybe if I can find time to do it every day it will be therapeutic and healing.

I wrote awhile back that I was in the hospital for depression at the end of July. I have been dealing with that through the use of medication (which I hate) and therapy (which I am thinking about changing therapists).

I am a cognitive/behavioral psychologist. If you want to change something in your life then change your thinking or change your behavior. This is often way easier said that done. I often get into funks and am very stubborn about routines. I like routines. They make me feel safe and in control. When my routine gets messed up then I get thrown all out of whack. Also, it's very hard for me to change a routine once I get into it.

I like to get up at the same time. Do the same things to get ready. Leave at the same time. Stop at the same places. At get to where I need to be at the same time every day. When I got laid off from NS this all stopped abruptly. It really threw me for a loop and it's been very difficult for me to get my bearings and be able to carry forward.

It's been difficult for me to deal with my depression because I don't deal with my emotions. I just put them aside and hope they'll get lost some where. I don't share my emotions with people easily. Then when I do, I do so in a way that sets myself up to be misunderstood or almost ignored. Because I offer my feelings and things going on in my life in such a covert way that it's often missed by those around me.

One thing I am pretty sure I need to do is change therapists. I don't trust the one I have and feel like I can't communicate with her well. One reason is her approach to therapy. She's a psychoanalyst and our views on psychology are completely opposite. I wish they would have asked me in the hospital what kind of therapist I wanted because I would have made it clear that it isn't this. She makes me talk for 45 minutes straight without saying much of anything back to me. There is no dialogue. It's just me trying to fill up 45 minutes of dead air with absolute drivel.

I want to bring a problem to the table and hash out a way to fix it. Then move on to the next problem. She wants me to talk about my sex life which I don't really want to do with her because Fruedians are notorious for deeming those of us who practice BDSM as psychologically unhealthy.

However, I do wonder how much of my frustration with this situation is because I am so far out of my comfort zone and all I'm trying to do is get back into my safe little way of dealing with the world.

F is for Future obsession

2009-09-08T17:06:00.002-04:00

I turned 30 yesterday. I remember starting college. I was convinced that I was going to be well on my way in my career by now. Of course since then I have had several different career goal changes. When it comes down to it I haven't really known what I want to be when I "grow up."

I am always obsessed about what is going to happen tomorrow. I have not been happy though. Yet, it's so hard to slow down and pay attention to the here and now. I want to know what to plan for I want to be as prepared as possible. I hate it when life springs a surprise on me. It drives me insane.

I still feel like I really have no idea where I am going. I want to start my own company and I hope it is successful and I am able to get it off the ground. I really feel passionate about this. I just hope I can make it work.

Rather than obsessing about the future I need to stop and look around at what I have right now. I have a lot too. I have friends who care about me and I them. I have a husband who adores me and I him. I have S and Will who I have grown to love very much and who I know love me just as much.

I need to focus on making each day count for what it is. An adventure, even on days that I think are mundane and ordinary. I am interacting with people in whose lives I can make a tiny difference by being kind and caring. I just hope I can stop worrying about tomorrow and focus on what is right in front of me now.

E is for Evil munchkin

2009-09-08T16:59:00.003-04:00

Munchkin is evil. I am sorry, but it must be said.

Not only did she complain about my not keeping up with my blog but she even had the audacity to suggest that I should get spanked for it! With the prison strap no less!!! Now, I ask you, how evil is that?

Now, Ed is a very impressionable Top. He takes things very literally. So, when he saw munchkins "innocent little comment" in the side bar he thought that he should take it very seriously. Which means last night I got 1 swat for every day between August 5th and September 1st. To make matters worse, that came after getting the belt for a completely innocent (on my part of course) texting incident involving Ed's phone and one of his female friends. All I was trying to do was cheer her up...geez.

Anyway, back to evil munchkin, I hope you know what this means. War has been declared and I shall return the favor with interest. Muhaaaa!

D is for Dominance

2009-09-07T12:32:00.002-04:00

It's hard to explain the rush that I feel when I am being dominated. It has to be something you enjoy in order for you to completely understand it. In the outside world many of us have issues with being controlled.

It could be that we were abused as children or even in our adult lives. It could be distrust of others in a position of control for various reasons. We don't want to be under the thumb of others because we want to have a say and a choice in our lives.

Engaging in a scene is completely different. It's liberating to be able to trust someone that much. It's intoxicating and can make you feel almost high or drunk in a way. The adrenaline that runs through your body because you don't know what's coming next is so addicting that sometimes all you can think about it the next scene.

C is for Catching the spanking bug

2009-09-07T12:15:00.003-04:00

This past year has been on the dry side of spanking activity for Ed and I. I pretty much take responsibility for this occurrence. With the depression getting worse and worse every week but being unable to acknowledge it or share my feelings about it with anybody, I just felt less and less like engaging with anyone. Unfortunately that included Ed and our activities together.

Thankfully, with the treatment of the depression over the last several weeks I have been feeling more and more like myself. Things that were fun are becoming fun again. I am actually looking forward to engaging with Ed in particular in rebuilding the spanking activity in our relationship.

In fact yesterday I was put Ed through his paces and could feel my pain tolerance returning. Something that had been decreasing as the depression got worse and contributed to my loss of interest in spanking. Today is my birthday, so I am greatly looking forward to receiving my yearly birthday spanking. Don't worry, I'll let you all know how that went.

B is for Buisness

2009-09-02T16:58:00.003-04:00

I am thinking about starting my own business. I am serious enough about it that I am looking at website hosts that are kink friendly to start building a website for my company.

Basically I want to start a company that educates people on being open and honest with themselves about their sexuality and how to go about exploring such in a safe, sane, and consensual way. I would put together little seminars that I could do as parties, conferences, or as one on one sessions with clients.

I have always been passionate about changing society's attitudes toward sex and alternative sex practices. Of course most of my focus would be in the area of consensual adult spanking and some things like light bondage and Domination/submission. I would seek out those who are experts in other kinks and both garner as much information as I could from them as well as use them as guest speakers at bigger events.

I am not sure what I would call the company yet. Mostly I would do one on one stuff at first and build from there. I also am looking into getting my therapy license and want to specialize in sex therapy. That will help me in my goals a great deal.

What do you guys think?

A is for August

2009-09-01T18:02:00.002-04:00

August has been a...different month for me. At the end of July I had what I am referring to as my nervous break down. I am not really sure what else to call it. I guess another way to describe it would be an attack of severe depression. I couldn't leave the house and was having some very unhealthy thoughts. So, I had taken myself to the nearest hospital and ended up staying for a week.

I didn't want to leave the hospital once I got in there. I felt safe but really it was a concrete way for me to shut out the rest of the world and the things that were making me feel over whelmed. I am still feeling that way though not to that extent. Graduate school, dealing with my family, and struggling with my job all just came together to push me over the proverbial edge in a very real way.

This month has been a struggle. I have been doing what I need to do to work on getting better. I am finally starting to feel more positive though I still have a ways to go before I reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes you get so lost in yourself that you can't see what and who is around you. You shut yourself off from the rest of the world because you are flooded with these feelings that you don't know where to put or what to do with them. You feel like you are going to explode and that just makes you more frustrated.

I know that there are people who love me and care about me. It's really hard not to push them away and tell myself that I'm really alone. I need to acknowledge those people and accept what they are offering me. I am not alone and I can lean on people who offer me their arms. I need to stop fearing that they are going to step away at the last minute and watch me fall on my face.

I hope those of you who mean something to me know how much I really do care about you even though I suck at showing it. Thanks for dealing with my quirks and hang ups about relationships and friendship.

Spanking has picked up a tiny bit in Ed and my life. Nothing extravagant or anything but I am finding the joy in it again. Sadly we aren't going to be able to go to Gatlinburg and spend a weekend with some of our very good friends. Thanks to the hospital bills and having to find a new job that forced me to take a significant pay cut we're struggling a little bit. We'll make it...I always find a way to make it and pay the bills. There just isn't a lot for the extra fun stuff like their used to be. But that's the plight of many people in this country right now. We just need to right it out a little bit longer until things start to turn around.

So, that was my August. I am planning on doing the alphabet thing this month like I did around this time last year. Then I will work on keeping my blog updated more regularly like I used to.

Hugs to all my readers!!

I've been...crazy

2009-08-05T22:03:00.002-04:00

This is a short post. I have a longer piece written out that I just need to type up and post. I just got out of the hospital this past Friday after being in there for a week. I will write more about this later. I'll try and get it posted by tomorrow.

I was going to do the alphabet posting through August like I did last year. However, I am going to put that off until September. I'll be picking different topics from last year so it should still be fun for you to read and for me to write.

Know that I am thinking of all my readers and feel really bad that I haven't been keeping this updated. You'll have plenty to read soon. I promise.

Movie frustration (warning...spoilers within)

2009-06-28T09:46:00.003-04:00

Ed and I have been going to see movies lately. Thursday we went to see we saw Transformers 2 and Saturday we went to see My Sister's Keeper.

First Transfomers 2. It wasn't bad for a sequel. I'm usually not a big fan of sequels because they are rarely better or even as good as the first one. It's obvious that this is geared to those with an abundance of testosterone as evidenced by the number of penis jokes. I also found it extremely predictable. Bumblebee's character was a little further developed which was nice. I was kind of irritated that the only female Transfomers were either tiny motorcycles or evil succubus bitches. However, I love the Transfomers (especially Bumblebee who's so adorable) so I did enjoy the movie.

My Sister's Keeper. I am so angry about this movie. This was one of the best books I have read and is now one of my favorite stories. The whole point of the story is that this little girl, at the request of her sister, sues her parents for the rights to make her own medical decisions. In the end, she dies and ends up giving the kidney to her sister allowing her sister to live longer.

The first problem with this movie is that they removed the entire point to the move. Kate, the sister with Leukemia is killed at the end of the movie. No!!! That's missing the whole point to the story!!!

The second problem are the actors. Alec Baldwin was a REALLY bad choice for the lawyer. Also, the lawyer character was all wrong and completely under developed. Baldwin delivered his lines with so much flat affect that you don't become involved with him at all.

I think Cameron Diaz as the mother was ok. There might be a better choice out there through. It just seemed like Cameron tried to hard to get the mother's intensity and desperation to save her daughter across.

Abigail Breslin was great. I think she was a perfect choice for Anna. She played the part well and seemed to really embody the character.

There was so much taken out of the story that this is a really boring and sappy movie about a little girl with luekemia who just wants to die. She manipulates her younger sister to stop helping her parents donate body parts to save her.

My Sister's Keeper...great story...bad movie.

Now I want to talk about the trend that American movies seem to be taking over the last year or two. That is stealing from the 80's. With movies like Transformers and The Hulk and Underdog (I know that's not the 80's but I watched it growing up) I joked that the only think left was Thunder Cats. I heard a rumor at work that they actually are going to make a movie out of Thunder Cats. So, I googled the rumor and sure enough that's exactly what they are doing. Projected to come out in 2010 is Thunder Cats the movie. Purported to be in the same vein as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles it will be done in CGI. That's a guaranteed death to the Thundercats.

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ruining!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 80's cartoons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh well...we'll just have to wait and see. But I'm tell you now it's going to bad. Perhaps if it was like this it would be ok.

Yes, it's that time of year again

2009-06-19T20:24:00.003-04:00

That means HBO has started season 2 of True Blood which is inspired by the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris. Many of you might be aware of my vampire fetish (among the various others that I have). I am a huge fan of Laurell K Hamilton's Anita Blake series. Yes, iggy and munchkin, I know enough with the giant penises!! However, I just can't give up on those books, they have to go SOMEWHERE eventually.

So, Ed asked me the other day and got me thinking about whether I have a vampire fetish because I like to get bitten or do I like to get bitten because I have a vampire fetish. That's one of those chicken-egg questions. It would be impossible to research and find out. I'm sure there is a strong correlation but you could never find out which one causes the other.

There are a lot of people out there though who don't have the whole vampire fascination that I have. So, what is the draw about being bitten? Definitely it's about the power behind the act and for some the pain. If you're being bitten then you're obviously being over powered by that other person and even dominated. That's something that really pushes some of our buttons, at least mine.

It's been a year

2009-06-14T11:47:00.003-04:00

It's been a year to the day since I started this blog and made my very first blog post. In that time I have had 9105 visitors.

Thank you to all of you who have linked me on your own blogs or websites. There are so many of you that I can't name you individually. However, Sir Richard Windsor has the privileged of being my top referrer and I greatly appreciate that.

Thank you all of you who stop and read the randomness that comes out of my twisted brain. It makes one feel less alone to know that there are others out there willing to share your thoughts. My readers are dearest to me and I hope to never let you down.

FMS Beach Party 09

2009-06-14T08:51:00.016-04:00

Ed and I almost weren't able to make this party this year. However, thanks to our good friends Zed and ginger who graciously allowed us to board with them for a few days we were able to make it for a second year.

Day 1 (Wednesday)

For us, day 1 consisted of me driving for 10 hours to make it out to Zed and ginger's where we would meet up and drive to Florida. Ed slept pretty much the entire way because he had to work the night before we left and I told him to just stay up until we left. It was a uneventful trip and traffic wasn't too bad.

Day 2 (Thursday)

We all packed up and hit the road for our first leg of our drive to Florida. It was really fun to watch ginger punch Zed every time she spotted a VW Beetle. It was also fun to lock the guys out of the vehicle when they both got out and left us inside alone.

Ed was amused by a moth that blended in with the wall.

It was a quiet ride for the most part. For those of you familiar with the Myer's Briggs Inventory Type Indicator all four of us are I's. That basically means we spend more time thinking about what we are going to say than we do actually saying anything. So, we were all content with our own thoughts, music, and/or books we were reading.

At one of the stops ginger spotted a hat that we were joking about buying and putting on Ed while he was sleeping. It read "Jesus Saves." Those of you who read regularly know that I am an atheist and Ed is agnostic. It would have been a funny picture.

We drove till probably about 10 that night and then found a hotel at which to stop for the evening. The hotel was full of antiques from other countries. There was a small gong and a wooden ( I think) sculpted bird that said it was from Scotland. There was also a cricket bat which Zed and ginger ended up buying for the pure novelty of the item.

Day 3 (Friday)

After eating breakfast at the hotel we hit the road for the last leg of our drive. We finally hit St. Pete Beach around 5 pm. Here are some pics of crossing over the bridge onto the island.

We got settled and got registered and checked the schedule for the weekend. There was going to be the vendor fair and meet and greet Friday night. We bought a paddle from Amber. It's my princess paddle because of how sweet and well behaved I am.

The get to know you game was to find different people who have lived in different states and to find at least one person for each state. As a bottom I had to receive 5 swats for every signature as well as for providing my signature for others. It was fun. I won last year but gave up after about an hour or so this year because it was really impossible to get states like Hawaii. Though there were rumors of some cheating going on by getting signatures from those who didn't live in the state but had back packed through it for two weeks. It was still fun though.

I can only take crowds for so long. So, I snuck away to our room. Ginger was already in the room and Zed was headed out to visit some friends. So, ginger and I quickly changed into our bath suits and escaped to the hot tub. It was very relaxing. However, when we got back to the room I got spanked by Ed because we ran off without telling anyone where we were going and without leaving a note or anything. Still, the hot tub was great.

There was some spanking. Iggy got her birthday spanking with Zed's prison strap. Ginger got spanked with the cricket by Houndog. Suzy agreed to take Houndog's birthday spankings. Then Todd was feeling left out so I took his birthday spanking.

Soon I crashed and crawled into bed for the evening.

Day 4 (Saturday)

I woke up and enjoyed coffee and breakfast outside with ginger. Zed joined us after a bit and we watched the birds play and the little lizards climb up and down the trunk of the trees next to us. Ginger had a date with her favorite flogger and went off to get ready. Zed and I enjoyed the outside and each other's conversation a bit longer before going on up to the room ourselves.

After ginger's appointment we all decided that we were hungry so went down to the cafe in the hotel for lunch. We were joined by some fellow spankos. I had the joy and privledge of meeting and sitting next to Publikk who listened to me prattle on about my graduate work and my plans for my disertation. We also made an appointment to play together after I took a relaxing swim in the hotel pool.

The spanking was lovely. He found our jokari and became enamoured with it. It's one of my favorite paddles we have so I didn't mind his fascination with it. Of course after taking many good ones with the jokari leather feels like nothing. It was a nice repreave though to take some swats with his new leather toys he'd picked up from London Tanner's booth. However, he also had a new red spanking implement. I don't know what this thing was made out of but if you ever come across one stay as far away from it as you can. It's pure evil in a tiny package. You can see a picture of it on his blog.

Ed and I heard that Todd and Suzy were hosting a game of Spankopoly. So, we wandered down to their room to joing the fun. We found a group of spankos engaged in a raucous game. The Tops were trying to keep the bottoms from cheating. However, that is a nearly impossible task and cheating was inevitable. Ed took over for Todd while I was content to watch. I suck at Monopoly and knew I would suck at Spankopoly for the same reason. However, Ed needed to go smoke and made me promise to protect his property and his money. He never said anything about not stealing from the bank. So, every time I knew that no one was paying attention to me I would slip a 500 smakaroos into the pocket of my sweater. When Ed came back in I gave him back his seat, walked over to Suzy, and gave her the money I had swiped. Great fun!

Next it was time to get ready for the catered dinner and game show. The dinner was very nice. Ed and I sat with Publikk, Munchkin, iggy, Todd, and Suzy. After dinner was the annual spanking trivia game. Congratualtions to Houndog for winning this year. He will of course be defending his title next year.

I had made a promise to BobDJ to get spanked by him at some point during this weekend and I was looking forward to keeping that promise. So, Ed and I wandered up to the penthouse suites so that I could find him. I ended up having to wait for a while before I finally found him (thanks to the help of Katispankwich) and Ed got bored before that so he went down to Todd and Suzy's room.

I got my spanking from BobDJ. I also got a spanking from Magus. Both were lovely. I was exhausted for the day so wandered down to our room and promptly crashed into bed.

Day 5 (Sunday)

I got up and went to CP court. It was great fun. There were several cases on the docket. The cases were lively and well argued on both sides. The losing spankees got smacks and the losing Tops were assigned personal service time. I was going to counter sue Andrea for falsely accusing me of attempted murder last year, however, I'm not that brave...lol.

After CP court I was asked to play and enjoyed another lovely spanking from one of the resident lawyers.

We weren't leaving until Monday so Ed and I went to the beach for a little while and then to the pool. We got a shower, got changed, and left with a group of spankos to enjoy dinner at one of the local restaurants. Then it was back to Todd and Suzy's room. I was treated to a session with the infamous prison strap (which I love). I also paid my union dues with the official SSU paddle.

A game of Spankopoly was started. I think I lasted about an hour before retiring to bed. The other bottoms playing got the property and money that I had to help them win the game. I am not sure who won the game but I definitely gave them a fighting chance.

Day 6 (Monday)

We packed up to head back to Zed and ginger's where Ed and I would get our car and make the 10 hour ride back home. We said our good byes to Todd and Suzy and hit the road.

It was seriously an awesome time and I thank Zed and ginger so much for all they did to help up be able to go. It was wonderful to be able to see so many of our friends again. Can't wait till next time.

No No No

2009-05-23T02:42:00.002-04:00

I found this article while checking my email.

Why is this even being considered? Why is it even being put on the table?

Seriously, the country is in recession. There are people who are homeless and starving. There are children in orphanages and being tossed from foster home to foster home. There are children being abused. There are a million other more important issues out there that could use the time and focus that is being devoted to this "Bible bill."

Belief in god should be a private thing. There should be no government involvement. Laws should not be made based on religious beliefs. Years should not be devoted to books considered to be holy by any particular religious group.

Over Reaction?

2009-05-22T16:16:00.004-04:00

Whether it's because of some things that have happened in my past or whether it's just my nature, I have a tendency to put up humongous walls against anything which I am afraid to deal with. I might try to be positive about it for a little while but eventually that huge wall is going to form if it doesn't resolve itself in what I feel is a timely manner. No one wants to get their heart broken or be disappointed. Some people have had this happen to them more often than others and I think when that happens you begin to have strong and quick reactions to things or people that could hurt you either physically or emotionally.

Two weeks from today will be the fifth year anniversary of my miscarriage. I think it bothers me even more now because of the news of the PCOS and infertility. I have been trying to be the positive person about it but struggle with it to the point that I feel I am entering into a state of serious depression. This is because I'm not actually being positive about it. I am putting on the exterior that I'm being positive about it that I know that there is medicine and doctors that could help us. However, on the inside I am obsessive and almost frantic about the whole thing.

This isn't a part of myself that I usually let people see because if anyone knew just how much I obsess about stuff that would call me neurotic. I am what you might call a worry wart. Whenever I am faced with something I think it to death and run through every possible scenario and scenarios that could come out of those scenarios.

Most of the time I can calm myself down and force myself to realize how irrational I am being. Then I can work on making myself change the way I am thinking at least a little bit. I will come to realize that it's not the end of the world as I know it.

This time, I am seriously struggling with doing that. I haven't felt this depressed and hopeless since when I was going through my illness and dealing with my mother's abuse. I am angry and there is no one to be angry at because it's not anyone's fault. I feel like I have no where to direct these emotions and thoughts.

I'll work through this and figure this all out. It's just that right now I am smack dab in the middle of this situation and feel helpless.

Been seeing a personal trainer

2009-05-12T21:59:00.003-04:00

Ok, well I've really been trying to get serious about dropping weight. I would like to do more with belly dancing past being just a hobby. I think it would be really fun to become good enough to dance for money in a restaurant or some gigs. No one wants to see a fat belly dancer though. So, I've been working out with a personal trainer. For the first few weeks I was working out with him once a week. Now I have bumped that up to twice a week.

I have been working out with him for about six weeks now. I finally got my first measurements and body fat percentage check since I started with him. I lost 7.5 inches and 1.5% body fat in six weeks. I'm not really sure if that's good or not. I'm really ecstatic to see everything going down.

I've only lost about five pounds but I put on muscle fairly quickly so need to stay away from the scale for the most part until it starts to move consistently. Last time I got serious about losing weight I don't think I lost weight for the first two or three months. Then the weight started to almost melt off. So, I'll be patient with my weight a little bit longer.

Anyway, I can't wait for the next six week mark!!

One of the worst movies but...

2009-05-07T12:37:00.003-04:00

So, I was playing around on the computer and just left the channel on HBO after watching a bad horror movie called Shutter. This seems to be the theme for the day so far because after Shutter another movie (which turned out to be bad) called Shoot 'Em Up came on. This movies is full of bad lines and bad acting. The whole premise of the movie is that this guy is trying to protect a baby from hit men. The only two actors I recognize in the movie are Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti. This movie is full of bad puns like "Talk about shooting your load" after a shoot out during a sex scene which of course doesn't stop just because you're getting shot at.

The scene that prompted this post is about three quarters of the way through the movie. The good guy (Clive) gave the baby to a prostitute (who's lactating) to protect for a little while. He's walking across a parking lot when he sees and hears a mother yelling at her child about behaving and threatening to spank him. She continues to yell at him and starts to spank him. Clive walks over and hauls her to her feet (she was kneeling in front of the child). The mother becomes indignant and Clive states how he hates mothers who hit their children. He then asks the mother how she's like it if he spanked her and proceeds to do so despite her yelling at him to stop. I literally had tears in my eyes at this point because this movie really is terrible and it's like the writers/director figured they were losing the audience so they needed to add something.

Of course you can find anything on youtube so here is the scene for you. Notice that the child finds this absolutely hilarious. Terrible movie but I wouldn't mind a spanking from Mr. Owen ;)

My sister made me cry

2009-05-01T22:38:00.002-04:00

My sister hasn't always been the best person she could be but how many of us truly are? Last weekend I stopped to see her and her family on my way through from NorthWestern PA back home. I love my brother-in-law's new car and he lets me drive it when I'm in. I feel so loved. :)

My sister and my nieces rode with me for the 30 minute drive to Red Lobster. Out of no where my sister turns to me and tells me that her and Alex have talked and decided that after I go through the treatments for infertility, if I am still unable to have a child she will be a surrogate mother for me. This means a lot to me but even more so because she's only allowed one more pregnancy. She's had three children, all by c-section. Her pregnancy with B was some what difficult and she was slower to heal from the birth than her first two children. So, either her and her husband try for one more child, they both would like a son since they have two girls and my sister's son doesn't live with them. I doubt that I would ever take her up on the offer, I know how hard her last pregnancy was and really don't think she should put her body through that again. This though is the most meaningful thing she's ever done for me I was so touched beyond words and I couldn't keep my tears from over flowing. I love her and her family so much and appreciate how much they love me and what they are willing to do for me and my husband.

I'm a Love Whore :)

2009-05-01T22:21:00.000-04:00

I was able to visit my friend Will for a few days last week. I was laying in bed one morning thinking about stuff and things popped into my head that I simply had to put down. Where better to put them than here. I know I’m not “normal” and I don’t think the same way that perhaps the majority of women (and men) do about relationships, sex, or love. I’ve analyzed that to death but in the end it’s simply who I am. Whether it’s a reaction to things that have happened in my past or instead a product of my genes and personality, I am not 100% sure but in the end it’s who I am and I am happy with who I am.
Anyway, what I’ve been thinking about is love and relationships. I don’t think many people think that you can love (in the sense of husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend) more than one person at a time. However, there are three people that I feel I love in this sense. They know who they are or at least I hope they do. They each provide me with something different. Not completely different, just different.
On the drive home I had plenty more time to think about myself and the way I relate to people. Some events in my life have encouraged me to keep people, even those I love dearly, at arm’s length. I’ve done this because I face and accept the reality that relationships end. I’ve faced long term relationships and marriage almost with this clinical attitude. They, at their most base form, are a mutual living arrangement which benefits both parties for as long as they are able and willing to make the relationship work.
As a child and until my early twenties, despite my parents’ failed marriage, I believe in love at first site and true love that lasted forever. I thought that I would find my prince in shining armor, I would be a princess, and we would love each other until we got old and died in each other’s arms in our sleep. Then that dream was completely shattered one day and I was given an over dose of reality. So, I sort of developed this defense mechanism which allows me to love someone for as long as they want to hang around and then be able to move on with my life when they don’t want to be there anymore. I don’t stop loving them; I just am able to move on to the next path in my life.
This sounds completely cold and clinical. I’ve realized that it’s not exactly true. I’m actually deathly afraid that I’m going to lose the people in my life. I worry almost obsessively that something is going to happen and that they aren’t going to be there anymore. So, rather than admit just how much I love someone I pretend like I can cope with the fact that if they leave I won’t be devastated. I honestly don’t think some of the people in my life know exactly how much I love them. It’s admitting how vulnerable I truly am.
Now, getting to the title of this post, I love more than one person. It goes beyond that though. I need to be loved. I know, we all need to be loved, but I need to know the people I fall in love with love me back. Being loved by more than one person makes me feel secure and fulfilled. I have even questioned whether it has anything to do with my religious beliefs or rather lack of such. I don’t believe god exists. The creation of the universe and Earth is simply a series of fortunate events. I want meaning in my life just like everyone else. So, I feel we exist to love and care for each other. We are pack animals after all.
Polyamory works for me. It’s a fulfilling part of my life because it allows me to acknowledge my feelings for those around me whom I love in this specific way. It’s not about the sex; though don’t get me wrong that’s great all around. It’s about the deep and meaningful relationships and bonds that I am able to form with others. They fulfill emotional needs for me and I am hopefully returning the favor. I feel wanted and loved and cared for and hope that they receive all that they need from me as well to fulfill their lives.

Little kids crack me the hell up

2009-04-30T00:38:00.002-04:00

Monday I was driving back from visiting Will. I was going to stop and visit my brother but instead ended up visiting my sister and her family. It's been a while since my brother-in-law and I have verbally abused each other so we were both going through withdraw. We have this relationship where we act like we hate each other and call each other names and cut each other down. It's really the way we show each other how much we love each other...sick and twisted I know but it's been working for over five years. We just like to see who can come up with the best verbal slams.

Ok, so Alex decides that we should all go out to eat at Red Lobster. They have two children age 6 and 4. The oldest child S is this quiet, laid back, shy, non-demanding child. She's really smart and is doing well in school and generally ahead of the other kids in her class. She has no problem playing by herself and loves to talk to adults.

The younger one, B, is from another planet. She gets in trouble at preschool for licking the other kids. I'm not really sure what that's all about. This child also has my sister wrapped around her little finger. She's truly the baby of the family in every way. She has to be the center of attention at all times and if she isn't she will come up with some devious plan of getting it. She's not a bad child, just challenging.

So, we are at Red Lobster with both the little girls. If B gets bored, she will create her own entertainment. This started with B asking if she could have my lemon wedge. She shoves the whole thing in her mouth and promptly spits it out as this violent shudder runs through her entire body. A second later she goes diving for her cup of chocolate milk. This of course causes all of the adults at the table to laugh at B. Now, in true sister rivalry fashion, because B is getting attention S would like some too. She asks B if she can try the lemon and fairs only a little bit better. The spend the next 30 seconds passing the lemon wedge back and forth, sucking on the lemon, and diving for their cups of milk. About the third time B wants to try the lemon she's physically preparing herself for what she knows is going to be a horrible taste in her mouth and as she's raising the lemon to her mouth her arms are visibly shaking from the strain of going through with it for the attention and not wanting to because it's going to be yucky.

The adults got some appetizers and salads with their meals. So, of course the waitress brings these things first. B tolerates this for only a short period of time and about the third time the waitress stops to check on us in between appetizer/salad and the main meal B asks where her "shrimpies" are. Of course she is doing this while shaking her finger at the waitress and telling her that she had better bring her "shrimpies."

About half way through our meal my sister tells me a story of how S and B had heard Dawn and Alex doing the naughty. The next morning the two girls were whispering out in the hall and my sister asked them what was wrong. B looked up at her and wanted to know why her and daddy were making funny noises last night. My sister tells her that they were playing a game (she's not ready to explain sex to her children just yet). This of course prompts Alex to share his story in which a few days later, while he was at the barber shop getting a hair cut, B came over to him and loudly demanded to know if he remembered the time that him and mommy were playing that game. My niece B looks up and looks at Alex and goes "Why do you do that daddy? Why do you hit mommy and go uh uh uh?" Dawn and Alex do the totally wrong thing and try to ignore her and pretend like she isn't even talking. So, she asks louder. Only this time she stands up and sways her body back and forth.

I lose it and can't keep from almost pissing myself. My sister almost loses whatever it was she had in her mouth at that time. I think Alex laughed too but I was way too amused with my sister's embarassment to remember exactly his reaction. So, I pulled myself together and told them that they really should answer her question.

As we are finishing up our meals and the waitress is starting to clear away the dishes B stands up and announces that "we just got married." To which the waitress replies "all of you?" Now, me with my poly predilections found this way to amusing for words. B answer "yes" causing my sister to just hide her head. The waitress obviously as amused by children as I am asked B "Are you going to come back here when you get divorced?" To which B told her no.

To end the evening both S and B run over to the lobster tank at the front door to look at the lobster. The host thought he would be nice and asked the girls if they wanted to see one better. They both said yes so he went over to the tank and picked one up out of the water. This caused two little girls to run away screaming, one hiding at the door and one darting behind me and hanging off my shirt for protectiong. The poor host looked like he'd done something wrong to which my sister assured him they tricked the host(ess) to do this every time they visit Red Lobster and the poor guy put the lobster back in the tank.

Little kids are the best.

Catch up

2009-04-30T00:21:00.002-04:00

I will be posting a more coherent post in a few days. I have been working on some thoughts about polyamory and my life.

I recently returned home from a visit with one of my best friends Will. It was a wonderful visit and I wish we didn't live 6 hours away from each other so we could hang out more. Don't we all love this awesome technology that let's us keep in touch with each other so well despite hundreds of miles?

I've also been fairly busy with belly dance stuff. In fact, this weekend I will be attending more work shops. There are some more pics up on me from the belly dance photo shoot. Some of them turned out well but others look like I'm either scared of my mind or making some kind of goofy face.

I have also been working out with a personal trainer once or twice a week. This is another attempt at pulling together diet and exercise to drop some weight. So, far I have been super motivated to go and keep up with my appointments. He's kicking my butt and I feel so good about it. Of course, that could be the masochist talking...haha. Anyway, in two weeks we'll take our first measurements to compare to where I was to begin with.

In addition to all this, I have ordered a copy of the Zone diet book. Someone who's opinion I respect greatly swears by this diet and has been trying to get me to convert for a few years now. I figure it can't hurt right? I need to find a healthy way of eating that works for my body and so far I've been failing pretty well just winging it on my own.

There hasn't been a lot of spanking stuff going on. I know, I'm sad about it too. Just all kinds of life stuff getting in the way and everyone around me either doesn't have that bug or it's in some sort of hiatus right now. I understand the whole spanko cycle thing and know that it will all come back around eventually.

I started statistics. I have two more classes to go and I will finally be done with my Master's degree. Of course that means that I will be starting my thesis work when I attend the SSC. I'll need lots of spankings from the Tops in attendance to keep me motivated to keep up with school work and meet deadlines that weekend.

I had an interview with the IRS today for a phone contact job. Yea! Another call center job. Sigh. Well, it's a job. Plus, in three months I can start applying for other positions within the agency. I'm sure they are in need of good members for their leadership team.

Totally addicted to you tube...still. Right now all the Britain's got talent stuff has been keeping me occupied. While Susan Boyle and Holly what's her name are cute, I'm rooting for the either of the dance teams Diversity or Flawless.

Alright, well, I'm tired and it's almost time to get Ed from work. I'll work to get some more random thoughts posted more regularly than I have been.

Ode to Eris

2009-04-20T17:02:00.002-04:00

I had actually made the decision on Friday but didn't want to think about it much and ruin my weekend because if I knew that I would cry every time I thought about it. It's something that I have been putting off for a couple of months now. However, over last week I noticed that Eris had lost a great deal of weight. Over the last year I have had two tumor surgeries for her. A few weeks after her last surgery she developed another tumor. I decided not to have it removed and try to make her as comfortable and happy as possible. A few weeks after the third tumor appeared she developed a fourth tumor.

This morning I called the vet and talked with him and decided that it was time to say good bye. So, I had to drive her to the vets and cuddle her one last time. Of course I cried the whole way there and in the car in the parking lot.

I really enjoyed Eris. She was one of the cuddly ones. I will miss her.

This past weekend

2009-04-20T16:40:00.002-04:00

This past weekend I had an amazing time. I went to my first ever belly dance workshops and gave my first performance.

On Saturday I got up early and headed off to my first ever belly dance work shop. I went to two 2.5 hour work shops before the belly jam Saturday night. The first work shop was a macabre dance style work shop. The second work shop was learning some combos for which this particular dance troupe is apparently famous. It was a lot of fun if not a bit tiring.

I then had to run home and grab Ed to head back to get ready for the performance that night. I was so incredibly nervous. One of my friends showed up and I was pleasantly surprised that he did. I felt so honored that he would even want to watch me jiggle around up on stage for 2 minutes.

Finally the time for my performance came and I went back stage. The group I was performing with are in the fusion choreography class that I usually take. There were five of us all together. Right before we were supposed to go on stage my nose started to bleed profusely. At the last minute I got it under control enough that I was still able to get out on the stage for the performance.

It went really fast. It was sort of like a dream. It was like I was on autopilot. I didn't really think to much just moved when I knew I was supposed to move. It was so much fun once I just relaxed and had fun with it.

We were the next to last performance. After the performance we got to hang out for about an hour and do some freestyle dancing with each other. I visited the photography booth and had him take some pictures. Here is the link to one of the photos he took. That night we didn't make it home until after midnight.

I was sore, exhausted, but so incredibly happy and looking forward to the next day of more work shop. Sunday was two more 2.5 hour workshops. The first was a shimmy workshop and the other was super saucy combinations. It was so much fun even though by the end of the day my feet were killing me once again and I wasn't sure I would be able to walk the next day let alone dance.

I should be getting a copy of my performance so I'll get that up as soon as I get it. I really want to see it myself.